Life just sucks sometimes....

I think that's what makes it life!!!! So I have gone silent for some time. Mainly trying to figure out how to make this whole "life change" thing work in real life. It is HARD!!! But, no one ever said life would be easy AND the variables are mainly in my control unlike folks dealing with diseases that take control away. 

With all that said, I've had mostly great days....my immediate family is super supportive....my kids even drink water regularly now!  My husband eats fish every week---tofu is a menu regular and meatless days feel no different than regular days!!! I only drink water and coffee( but only a cup or two a day)!  I exercise almost every day and on the days I don't do formal exercise I take waaaaay more steps than I used to take. I eat the wrong stuff sometimes(-fractured prune coming to the neighborhood =NOT GOOD!!!) but when I overeat it's like 2 whole donuts instead of two bites!!! Like I don't eat the whole dozen--which I easily could!  

This past week has been a hard one for me---life stresses have gotten me out of my routines---fear begins to overcome me....am I gonna go back to how I used to be??? I have always stopped doing what's right related to eating and exercise and that fear is always there. But, it feels a little different this time. I'm not on a diet so I can't stop it, I'd have to stop all the changes I've made...that may be harder than just moving forward.  I think part of it is depression rearing its ugly head. As the weather gets cooler, less sunshine and earlier sun down, a gloom sometimes sets over me. Mix that with normal life stress and depression makes you feel like the bottom of the world is dropping out. I know it isn't in my brain,but my heart feels the pain as if it is.  

Just wanted to get all that outta my head.  Love someone today who needs love, show grace to a mom who has a tough kid to raise, forgive someone who doesn't deserve to be forgiven AND most of all, love the person you are----warts and all!!!

Back to the real world!

So, even though emotionally the two weeks I spent at FitRX were difficult, the rest was really pampering for a Mom.  A maid cleaned my room and made my bed, my sheets were changed for me, the towels were always fresh, my meals were all prepared by a chef and I got to watch what I wanted and do what I wanted when I wanted after my days were done.  Yeah-so I had kinda forgotten that home was gonna be waiting for me just as I left it, if not a little worse.  I got the biggest hugs ever from my family BUT (think of the Jaws theme in your head now)-there were stacks of mail, the house was just a messy as I left it, the children fought on the way home from the airport and apparently the maid (haha) forgot to make my bed!!  It was good to be home but for some reason, every time I leave I imagine that some clean fairy will jump into my husbands body and clean everything spotlessly and have a gourmet meal on the table and all the children will sit around me like on Leave it to Beaver and talk about how wonderful life is!!!  HA HA HA!  Never will happen. But, it was nice to be back to my normal.

I made it through the airport with packed snacks!  I answered all the questions I could on the trip to the airport with family.  Got home at about 10 ish and had to make a meal because the flight and times did not all coordinate with my set snack and meal schedule. But-I ate good portions, ate healthy and wasn't starving.  The next morning I got up and ate a good breakfast, ready to go back to work and then the babysitter fell through and I go through it-not happily but quickly and had a great day. I went to Trader Joes and shopped. Went to Wegmans and shopped-got good healthy food and spent what I normally spend a week on groceries-small miracle!  I have a plan for food and I have been following it.  It is definitely harder at home.  I am still learning the carb and protein snack combos for better satisfaction and my eldest daughter has (not so lovingly) described my explanations as very Mr. Rogers Neighborhoody!!!  They keep adding reeses pieces and other chocolate delights to the carb side of my snack chart!  But, I was able to eat my healthier snacks while they ate chocolate chip cookies, not because I was depriving myself, but because I really feel better when I eat and carb/protein mix.  The whole "no chips in the house for a month til I get better control over eating" went out the window on day one when they whipped out chips and salsa BUT I was OK--the rotel was a bit harder but I could have had some if I wanted but I really wanted something else more so I ate it instead.  So it is the food dance I must learn!

Exercise has been good. I have done something everyday. Thirty minutes a day was my first goal and I have well exceeded that.  While we watch shows I have been doing sets of crunches, ab exercises, squats etc during commercials. The kids enjoy it-either doing it with me or laughing at me as I grunt and sweat!! On Sunday, Lucy and I biked to the park, played together and biked back and I played--I was not standing on the sidelines. The kids are loving this improved version of me!  We biked 4 miles today to the grocery store to look for fireworks.  I was not aware of the long distance and did not google map it before I went.  This is my children's second significant bike ride-the first being 2.5 total miles. So yeah-there was a lot of "I can't make it" and " my legs hurt" and then the kids, they were grouchy too! But we did make it and we were super proud and now have fireworks to set off tonight!

So yeah-all in all, it is good to be home.  It is hard getting all the stuff in but I have to do it to make life better for me.....and for my family. My children ate a whole wheat sandwich with sprouts on it today and LIKED it!  They said the sprouts tasted like lettuce and beans!  They ate mac and cheese with spinach in it-well Lucy did.  They love the fruit infused water and they are trying some things they never have before.  I haven't tried Kale yet--don't have high hopes---but ya never know, Right?

Planks, mexican food and goodbyes

DAY 14

It was my last day!  I did a one minute and six second plank!  I stopped eating Mexican food at lunch when I felt satisfied instead of eating the whole plate!  If you've never struggled with diet or exercise these things may seem small, but they were huge to me.  I did all this with a group of people who are struggling with similar issues who never wavered from encouraging, positive words that kept me going.  I came in thinking that I didn't belong, that I didn't and wouldn't fit in and I am leaving with a group of people that I have come to respect and feel super connected to in many ways.  I feel anxious about continuing but I have the tools, I just have to use them.  I have a relapse plan, and a plan for staying healthy and in tune with me.  I also have the numbers and names of the people who helped me and of the people who were with me through this life changing two weeks.  One day at a time. I know I can do it, I want to do it, but change is hard -----I can't be like I was anymore or I will never be different.  I am getting up early tomorrow to go finish up my discharge and do morning exercise before I leave and say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.    

One more day and imperfection

Day 13-On my way home from workout squenched between two buddies and not smelling great.

I can't believe I only have one more day.  I feel like I have gone from feeling disconnected to very connected with a small group of people in a small amount of time.  I feel scared in a way going home but strangely at peace with that feeling.  Did you notice how many times I said "feel"????  This is a very good thing.  Today even started out with sleeping in (and I was quite frustrated with that-missing breakfast, late for exercise) but then someone super important called and needed me for a minute.  I stopped what I was doing, sat on the floor and lived in the  moment.  I paid attention to the call, was OK with being late, and felt like it was a blessing because I got to talk to that person with my undivided attention.  I think in therapist speak that is "re-framing" but in regular old me speak, it is just feeling OK with where I am at the moment.  I am feeling OK with where I am-really OK.

I have to do a menu tonight and a grocery list to go over with the dietitian. I'm meeting with the trainer tomorrow to go over my fitness plan. I'm getting my blood drawn again and then I will weigh in on Thursday.  I have a lot to do. I feel anxious but "good" anxious-"proud" anxious and "completed something big anxious"---like "the day before you graduate from something" anxious.  This is a really big deal for me. I did this totally because I needed it.  I stuck it out even when it was hard and I feel so much better on this side. So, in all honesty, I am a little scared-normal scared I think.  I worry that I wont be able to implement all the things I have learned, afraid I am going to do too much too soon and then end up getting burnt out or overwhelmed and giving up.  A little scared that my family may not understand some of the changes and may not want to give me the room I need to grow healthy.  I have set goals, I have made lists, I have talked extensively to my husband who, bless his heart, puts up with all my extremeness and I know that I am going to mess up but for the first time in a long time, I am OK with that. 

I am on a journey. I am imperfect.  I have dimples in my thighs. My eyebrows grow eyebrows if I don't get them done regularly.  I have overeaten a lot in the past and minimized it.  I am not always put together and don't know how to match clothes well.  I have more than one chin right now.  My butt will always be bigger than the average bear.  I will always live with the hurt that being a teenage mom brought.  I will live with pain from my past that at times will hurt more than other times. I will cry in front of others sometimes and maybe even at work.  I have a strong faith but ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I grunt and sometimes I yell and sometimes I sing loudly (and not good) during workouts.  I can't see without my glasses and I cant wear contacts anymore but glasses make my eyes look bigger (someone told me that today and that is how I know.)  I will always share too much information and be inappropriate without knowing it or feeling that it was.  I will always hug big and put my heart out there even though that hurts sometimes.  All of this is part of me and no one can be like me or take me away from me.  I will learn to love me for exactly who I am all the time.  After all, I'm the only me there is, I can't change that.

I will take time for me (and not feel guilty)!!!

Day 12

I realized today that this is the first time in my whole life, as an adult, that I have spent more than a few days away from my family (not work related.) I have not had much time in my life to think about or do things for myself, especially as important as this.  It has been hard to be away, but I think it was a much needed time.  While I have missed my family, I have really embraced the opportunity to be here and work on myself.  I have been absolutely OK alone.  If I am being totally honest, it has been a bit of a mind and kid vacation!  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but my kids are physically on me and emotionally need me ALL THE TIME.  Having a break from that that was also filled with physical and emotional health was something I didn't even know I needed. It did take a village though to get away.  My oldest daughter is helping at home with my youngest and my son is travelling visiting relatives in Tennessee and Arkansas.  I had to ask for rides from the airport, ask for help with my daughter while I was gone and with my son while he traveled to different relatives homes. It was hard to ask for help and my family loves to help. I just don't like to ask.

Why is it that asking for help is so hard?  For me, I think I don't want anyone to know that I struggle or need someone else.  It is a vulnerable place to be to ask someone for something and then if they say no, there is that sense of rejection that can feel really bad.  I think part of my issue with taking care of myself is not asking for help when I need it.  Some days I need to get away, and some days I need to take a bath and that needs to be OK.  In all honesty, I think my family would be fine with it but I think it is more my head that isn't.  I feel the mother guilt, the wife guilt, the guilt of not getting all the things done in the house or whatever else needs to be done. Taking care of myself was not a part of my upbringing and it is strange and feels funny to do something for myself in lieu of taking care of someone else.  I am a great caretaker-at work and at home but I am a lousy takecareofmyselfer!  I am gonna work on that everyday.  Nutrition and exercise and emotional health are part of taking care of me.  I have to do things different from now on.  I can't fall back in the traps.
I have to make changes and I will.  

Oh-one more thing I forgot to say yesterday, I did a 49 second plank!!!! (See pic above.) I thought I may die but I pushed through and did it. I have never sweated so hard for absolutely being still. Planks hurt.

Biggest Loser and name changes

DAY 11

Thinking a lot about home today. Missing my family (pictured above) in all their wonderfulness and weirdness!  And thinking of home, got me thinking about change and what I need to change.  I wrote down a lot of goals today. A balanced list of goals, as I don't want to overwhelm myself or my family with sudden change.  I know sudden change doesn't work....I've done that too many times.  What works is lifestyle changes. That's what I really like about this program. I want to talk a little about that as I feel I've done a lot of talking about my emotions but not how I got to them.

"Biggest Loser on steroids" was a brief description Michael gave me.  It is so much more than weight loss but I don't think I was ready to hear that in the beginning.  I wanted to get healthy but as you can see from the name of the Blog, it was primarily measured through weight loss.  But what I didn't understand (nor could I fully understand from explanation verbally) was how much more than weight loss a journey to health is in reality.  I go to 2 hours of exercise a day and 5 hours of classes.  Groups on mindfulness, nutrition, proper footwear, healthy cooking techniques, process groups, interpersonal skills...just to name a few.  There are fitness trainers here-3 really good ones who also understand the other stuff that goes into exercise; Nurse and Nurse practitioners-3 who both understand the emotional and physical side of health; 3 counselors and a program director who totally get the bigger picture of health and how that interacts with emotions; and then there are 2 Registered Dietitians who really understand eating and reality.  Everything is real here.  I was honest with everyone and they were honest too.  When I told the Dietitian that the reality was that I was not going to get organic eggs, she was OK with that. She then talked about what I could realistically do to make our eating healthier-like adding more vegetables and fruit to our daily diet.  The Nurse practitioner-Rex-sat down and had the best and most real conversation about my journey and tips for the future.  Every single person here understands all sides of the puzzle--they are all there for different pieces but they do a darn good job of fill in for therapy when someone needs encouragement.  And one of the things that really impressed me was that the Clinic Director (usually in clinics this is the one with the name on the book and on the website that you never see) leads two groups a week AND he makes stuff that was so far over my head understandable. And, lastly but definitely not least, are the other folks in the program--who become a life line.  This week I have laughed harder than I have in a long time (and cried longer too) and I have texted someone when I was having a weak moment and needed a quick lifeline.  I have had folks take me to the store and back and forth from the hotel to the facility and every single one here has touched my life in a meaningful way.  So yes, it is Biggest Loser on steroids but the thing I have realized is that it isn't the weight loss that is the important thing, it is the other stuff-the "on steroids" part that has been the most meaningful.  I can lose weight. That isn't the problem... ...there is so much more.  I challenge you to look at health differently, I know I am looking at it differently.  The Blog name needs to change.  It is not about weight anymore. It is about healthy living......one day at a time.

Never give up.

DAY 9

I thought I was worn out yesterday but today I felt like I couldn't get out of bed.  I hit the snooze 10 times and was almost late.  My mind and body were telling me to go back to bed and that nothing was worth how good sleeping was going to feel. But I got up anyway.  I ate my Eggs Benedict (without the sauce) so really it was eggs unbenedict and got my butt to the gym.  I was grouchy and so tired and I finished the workout. ALL of it with no stopping.  I didn't like it, but I did it.  Then when I went to get my after workout snack I started crying. I had felt it during the workout-the feeling of pure exhaustion and emotional rawness and I was able to hold it in, but then I couldn't anymore. I felt groggy, and a bit dizzy and I just started crying. After the trainer and nurse  checked me out, I realized I hadn't had enough water but still I was feeling drained and  just emotionally and physically exhausted.

So that is how the day went, periods of crying with me being embarrassed and not wanting to cry and periods of pushing through even when I didn't want to do anything.  I hate crying in front of people. It has always signified some sort of weakness in me.  I never mind other people crying and in my head I know it is OK.  But somehow when it is me, I hate it. I hate the attention it brings, the frustration inside of not knowing exactly how I feel and the craziness here of it happening out of the blue, seemingly. But, when you have stuffed things deep inside, all the way down to your toes for so many years, crying comes out sideways.  I feel a hurt that I don't even understand and feel an exhaustion that makes me feel like I'm in the early tipsy stages of drinking-when you just start to feel a little out of your head.  I literally sat down to lunch and started crying and couldn't stop.  Our Dietitian was sitting next to me and gently asked if I'd like to share anything. I did not, but I can't tell you the wonderful support that I got sitting with a table full of people letting me cry and assuring me they were available if I wanted to talk. I got no judgement, just a lot of understanding.  I did stop eventually but this happened several times today.

I talked to the therapist this afternoon.  A lot of stuff is coming up for me.A lot of anxiety is peeking out.   A lot of "AHA" moments, and I am realizing that while I have a lot of friends, I don't have a lot of deep connections with people who I can share my innermost feelings.  In fact, I don't feel like I am very good at that. I am trying to figure out why and I have people in my life I truly love, but maybe I haven't been able to be vulnerable because of that fear that someone will find out the true me. I'm still working through this but I know that I need to learn to connect better....to work on friendships and build relationships.

With that said, I ended my difficult day with a pedicure with two super supportive folks who helped encourage me through the day and then went to dinner with an old friend from high school.  I think it was a good start at connecting and learning to let people help me and support me.  Dang-this is way harder than I thought it would be....after all, I didn't even think anything was wrong with me!

Exhausted but owning it!

Day 8

I am exhausted!  I worked out twice as usual but added Wii Fit dancing- had my 10,000 steps by 4pm!  Went to Whole Foods today. I have never been there.  I loved the food AND learned about red light, yellow light, and green light foods.  Which are exactly what they sound like- have rarely, have sometimes, have often. 

Had a great lecture today on exercise and depression. People who exercise along with therapy and medicine do the best in outcomes studies. Exercise is really good for you!!  It's nice to learn the "why's" behind the "what's".  

Feeling more connected with people. Had a rousing game of scattergories  last night and laughed a lot!  Got invited to a few things with other folks here- which felt good---and mooned one of the other folks as well. I have trouble behaving!!!

I'm exhausted and going to bed, but I will not deny my story anymore and I guarantee you, my ending will be brave!!! Have courage ya'll and keep at it!

WARNING: RAW EMOTIONS

DAY 8:  I wrote a letter to one of my issues today and even though it was really tough I shared it in class. It is raw and emotional but true of how I feel.  Then we had self defense training and I got to punch the hell out of punching bags and kick as hard as I could. I don't feel as angry.  Lots of emotions are bubbling up that I have pushed down for a long time. It is really good, but it feels really bad at times.  I am learning and discovering and really am ready to be different in many ways. It is definitely a journey.

Dear Depression,

I want you to know that I am angry at you.  I feel like you took away a lot of years. You made me act irrational and angry and get so out of whack that I had to take medicine just to even out.  Then, I lost myself.  I know it wasn't only you, but I lost the bounce I had, the quest for a big life--I lost some of who I was in the medicine I have to take to keep me level-numb-at times without emotion because if I feel, I feel too long;  if I cry, I cry a lot; if I let the thoughts in, I can't let go.  I've  changed into someone that I don't  even know sometimes. I don't know how I feel.  I used to love hugs and affection and I still do, but I've become colder, harder, worn from life but also because I have to deal with you and the medicine.  I tried not to treat you . I'm so stable I tried to let the meds go, but you wouldn't let me. You made my mind crazy. You made me irrational and irritable and the crying was too much. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think. I was panicking and the anxiety was overwhelming. I couldn't complete the responsibilities I had taken on under the reigns of medication. So I went back so that I could function-you let me down. I thought we were past that.

You are always gonna be there.  My mind won't ever be right without meds and I was so young when I started that I often wonder who I would have been without them. Would I struggle with my self image, my self worth?  Why do I always compare?  I have joy for others but wonder what I did that wasn't good enough to get the prize, award, recognition, honor-only to realize when I do get it I feel like a fraud because I don't deserve it.  I always feel like I'm gonna be found out-I'm not really as smart, not really as good a therapist, faking my relationships because I so desperately want to feel connected. And then I get rejected again and the numbness can't cover the pain and the feelings are raw but the same illness that causes the out of whack emotions also causes the numbness.

How will I ever defeat you? I cant.  You are a part of me that will never let go. I am angry at you-very, very angry.  Don't try to make me feel better because I want to be angry at you-at what you have taken from me-what I will never have because of you and angry that you now may have my children in your grasp. I didn't want them to have to feel your crushing effects but I can't save them. I hate you for that and I won't forgive you. I wish you would go away forever, but I know I will wake up tomorrow and take my twenty milligrams and numb out again because I can't live without that and I don't know any different.

Debbie

3 good things and poop and pee!

Day 7

I just had a massage-part of the program is massages every couple weeks. It was nice and much needed for my calves that were on the verge of exploding from pain!  Anyway-feeling quite relaxed and really was a good day.  What made it a good day you may ask?  Well a couple things:

1.  I have exercised twice a day for 6 days straight and lived to tell about it.  For me, that is a big deal. I don't think I have continually exercised that many days straight my whole life. And, for the record, the workouts are not easy.  They consist of rowing and doing laps on stairs and medicine ball slams and today I got to hit a big tire with a sledge hammer (one of my favorites so far!!)  I sweat like a pig and usually have to talk to myself and close my eyes to get through the last 5 reps of anything!!!

2.  The dietitian I am working with (who happens to be incredible BTW) pulled me out of class today to have one of our sessions and I was able to totally open up (and cry.....NOT comfortable).  Who would have thought that a dietitian would help me to cry and work out some issues?  We talked about some things surrounding eating that I have never put together and I said some things out loud that I have never said out loud....like-I do have binging behaviors, just probably never had the time to hone the craft---AND--I had some bad messages about eating growing up that I had never attached to my current eating patterns--AND--I have some really awful self image problems that I have never really dealt with before now.  I honestly can never remember not feeling fat-my whole life.  I'll have to show pictures of me as a kid. I was definitely very typical kid size but the messages I got from a horrible bully was that I was a big fatso and as a 6 year old kid-I believed it.  I have lived with that for way too long.  

3. In one of our groups today, I learned about what my definition of success is and how it can be so different from your families of origin. Contentment is what I personally long for in life. To appreciate who I am and where I am and what I am doing--- but I often feel that I am always in the quest for that and have never really found it.  I want to find that contentment, in myself and with my family and be OK everyday with where I am.

Definitely a journey.  Smiled and laughed a lot today. Oh- we also talked about poop and pee--I don't care how old you are, that always brings on lots of laughter!!!  So, I would challenge everyone who reads this to do some thinking about what success means to you and whether or not you are doing everything you can every day to make it there..............

Sadness and Soreness

Day 5 and Still Alive

Totally forgot to blog yesterday!  As you can see, from the pic of my fit bit on the left, I was focused on getting all my steps in.  Today is on the right, and does not count the half hour I was treading water and laps in the pool.  And yes, I am very tired today.  My calves (calfs?) hurt super bad and are very tight and the rest of me is just worn down.  I fatigued doing overhead presses today with 8# weights.  I did the reps but it was HARD.  And I feel down today.  I'm trying to process it because one thing you learn in a treatment place is to process your feelings. So in the next paragraph I am gonna try to break down what I'm feeling.

First of all, I get on the sad side when I am tired and when I am away from my family so that plays a part. Next, in group sessions here, we are talking about REAL issues-of which I didn't think I really had many. I mean, I have issues as we all do, but I really thought I had gotten through most of mine BUT  I have never dealt with food as an issue.  Today we touched on binge eating-which I of course thought I never did. However, as I learn more about it, I definitely have tendencies in that area and although not as severe as some folks, it has definitely hurt my overall health and wellness. 

I also realized that I still have some emotional things rolling around in my head.  We talked today about what was going on in our lives three years ago and how it affected us today.  Also about guilt and shame and messages we hear that have affected us.  Three years ago I was dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever faced. I was falsely accused of fraud by an employee and underwent a two month investigation which was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I also realized that I do feel inadequate sometimes and that there are still some self image problems I have that I have stuffed down deep inside.  I think I am really good at stuffing things down deep inside and not dealing with them...EVER.  I know major depression is a disease but I keep thinking that with medication and counseling I am better and in a lot of ways I am, but it is a disease. I will have to deal with it my whole life AND even with medication, I see things through a different lens.  I keep very busy with other people and things so I don't have to deal with my own things.  I don't take care of me-in a lot of ways, but I think I have really  learned to not deal with my feelings on a lot of things because it is to hard to feel them.  

Anyway- I am embracing the sadness, the realization that I am not as unbroken as I thought and that I can and will learn new strategies and am beginning an even bigger adventure.  The group has been really supportive of the tears, the sad, the soreness, and encouraging BUT as is always the case with me, I feel like an outsider.  My mind just is a weird puzzle.  

I'm writing early because I know that after dinner I will crash.....my mind and body are exhausted but my spirit is well.  Thanks for taking the time to read and I cant tell you how encouraging it is to see that folks are taking the time to view this and to journey with me.

I learned what AMRAP means---Do you??

Day 4-As many reps as possible (AMRAP)

I have officially made it to the fourth day.  See all that stuff on the board behind me?  I did that plus two reps of a strengthening program-almost two total hours before 10 am.  Yes-this is me, Debbie who normally sleeps til at least 9 on Saturday and then spends the next two hours drinking coffee!!!! I did it and I was able to still talk through it and I DID NOT DIE!  I was really hurting running up the stairs--(OK let me be totally honest-it was more of a saunter)---but I did a lot of self talk and made it. I was a sweaty stinky mess but so was everybody else and I was excited I was able to complete everything.  It felt like quite an accomplishment today.  Most everything I did I can keep doing and about half of it were things I can do at home without even going to a gym.  I did take ibuprofen when I got back and took a two hour nap-----BUT change is slow so this is only day 4..right???  And just by the way, I did not feel one bit guilty about my nap!

I talked to all my kiddos and hubby today and guess what-they are all doing fine without me there.  I knew they would but I used them as an excuse for a long time to not come here.  I think I use them as the main excuse to not take care of me. It is good to see them happy and well taken care of and that they can make it without me.  Not that they would want to and not that I would want to be without them but I think I can take a little more time for me and they will make it.  

Anyway-enough deep thoughts for tonight. I am gonna try to make it through a movie and then to bed!  I have exercise early in the AM!!!!

Crying IS NOT bad!!!! I know.

Cuddling with Beary!!  Day 3

Lucy gave me Beary to sleep with and I think I will tonight!  It is the first time I have been away from my husband on our anniversary so I feel like I need to snuggle with someone!  Today was a good day.

A little tough getting up early....well early for me. I have to be down for breakfast by 7am and on to exercise by 8am.  I got fitness tested today and the results back from my blood-work.  The fitness test went pretty well. I was able to do squats and row and move pretty well and will start doing full workouts tomorrow.  All my blood-work is all clear. I am in good shape and my woman's multivitamin apparently has been doing a good job of keeping all my numbers in check.  So I am perfectly healthy and no reason to have weight gain except me.  

I shared in group today for the first time.  It was hard.  I didn't say a lot but I felt like I needed to say something so that I could really be a part of the group instead of just a bystander. I cried a bit.  I don't like crying-it makes me feel weak and embarrassed but when I am highly stressed, angry or super nervous I do it.  I shared how I'm having some difficulty with the needing help part of the program. I'm used to taking care of people and fixing things and as people went around the room and shared, I felt like I knew some things that could help all of them.....but couldn't quite figure out where I fit into the getting help part.  At lunch we had to talk about our feelings before and after eating and that was tough for me. I'm not real in touch with the feeling part of myself.  They had a hundred faces of different feelings you could be feeling and I came up with  "good".  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about everything. I laughed a lot this morning during exercise which was fun and we had a good group that talked about how our posture (power postures in particular) can actually increase your testosterone and decrease your stress producing hormone and actually help you to be more confident. (Really interesting implications-especially for teachers-TED talk by Amy Cuddy if you want to look it up).   

One thing I do know is that I am physically sore after the afternoon workout--I learned how to use a medicine ball and a rowing machine!  I know that ibuprofen will be my best friend by tomorrow and I know that I can make change and I will make change.  That, I know for sure.

Being the patient is hard.

DAY 2

The organic farm!

I feel super tired tonight so this wont be a long entry.  I realized a big part of the "not fitting in" and "not belonging" was really that I am not used to being in the role of being helped. I am the clinician not the patient. It feels funny to sit in a group and not be the leader or facilitator.  It makes it a little hard and honestly, it is a little humbling.  I don't want to be the one with a problem. I want to feel like I have it all together-that I don't need help-and I can do it on my own.  Guess what-I have a problem and I need help and I can't do it on my own. I have been trying it that way my whole life.  I need help and I want help and I think I can get that help here.

I do wish that I could see people's heart's first thing when I saw them. If size and color and gender could all be invisible and you could just see someone's heart and what they were feeling and who they were.  All those things that define us that should not define us.  It gives us preconceived notions of people and I fall into that trap too. I like to be open minded and fair and genuine but sometimes my mind falls into the trap of assumptions and stereotypes.

I learned today that a larger percentage of  kids in disadvantaged areas are obese, often due to poor food choices based on location and finances.  The organic farm pictured above provides fresh vegetables to distressed areas but also helps to teach kids how to eat better and how to grow their own food.  It was a neat fieldtrip and I love plants so seeing how they grow them with no pesticides and with natural plants that repel or attract the right kinds of insects was super cool.

Long day- ready for bed.  More learning and workouts tomorrow. I think I'm ready.

Control, Kale and TMI...DAY 1 FitRx

Day1

So, I'm here.  My mom and sister in law brought me this morning and dropped me off right around 10 am.  I have to say my stomach was in my throat as I walked in the door.  I didn't sleep great last night thinking about this today and honestly I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of how much control was going to be taken away.  I know I can be a bit "in charge" but I never thought of myself as controlling until I saw the meal schedule and schedule of classes and groups.  Then I felt totally like I was about to be out of control of my day.  Not that it is a bad thing but it is just a bit overwhelming.

I met with the counselor, the nurse, the nurse practitioner, psychiatrist and the intake person.  A lot of the questions are exactly what one would expect but a lot more food related than I have ever thought about.  For instance, "What has been your life experience with food?"  I really had never thought about that.  My life experience with food-I pretty much eat it if it is there.  If it is chips and dip I eat a lot......sweets are OK but give me salty any day!  I went through my sleep habits, my thoughts on food, and how I think about food, tragic things that have happened in my life.  Talked a lot about my depression and how that affects my daily routine.  Cried a little talking about when my Dad died.  I felt especially vulnerable today. I haven't felt like that in a long time.  Telling someone your whole life history who you barely know is hard even for ME who has a TMI problem!

All the staff was great and very warm.  I went to two groups today with the other clients/patients/people here and they were pleasant.  I wouldn't say warm or friendly but pleasant. I didn't really connect with anyone which worries me a bit as I typically connect pretty quickly.  In a way I felt a little out of place-as most folks have been here at least a week already. And, some of the folks you could tell had a lot going on issues wise and there was some hangry going on and some complaining. I mean I get it-life change is hard-I may be there soon.  I have a tendency to be very cynical as most of you know who have read my blog for any period of time.  Also no one really introduced me so I just was kind of sitting there sometimes and maybe they were wondering about me.....anyway----it is just day 1!  I will make it through!

One of the groups was about choices we make in life and one was a cooking group.  The first one felt odd as I did not really know the people I was in group with BUT we did not have to talk much and I got called out to see the NP right before it was my turn to speak---that was a close one! At the second group, I tried toasted Kale with Ranch seasoning and it was actually pretty dang good.  I tried a spinach, chia seed, banana, agave smoothie and it was NOT GOOD.  The lunch and dinner were good and healthy and I had plenty and there are two snacks so no starvation going on here thank goodness!  My mom was afraid there would only be celery!

I didn't work out today. This is scary to say outloud but I was a bit disappointed as I really wanted to get in there and get moving BUT--I got an EKG and blood work done so clearly my safety is important.  That was a relief!  I do hope to get moving more tomorrow which it sounds like I will as I meet with the fitness trainer.  We also go to an organic farm and go out to eat for lunch tomorrow as they try to teach us how to eat out in a more healthy way.

So I have books to read and sleep to get before the early morning breakfast (which I hear is egg whites and plain greek yogurt :(.  Anyway-tired and heading to bed as I need a good sleep for day 2.

I'm leaving!

I'm leaving. Yep-it's time to start the next chapter of my life.  I'm going to do it. Sometimes you have to do something that scares you a little to make a BIG life change.

On June 10 I will be entering FitRX for 2 weeks. I have been given the awesome opportunity by a good friend, Michael Cartwright, CEO of FitRX.  He encouraged me to come for as long as I could and asked me to blog about it daily. When I asked him what it was like, he said, "think of it as biggest loser on steroids!" (Fitrxbrentwood.com). I was initially super excited. I still am...just the closer it actually gets, my social anxiety begins to creep in.

Let me go through my list of "what if's"-

-what if I don't like anyone there

-or worse what if no one likes me

-what if I don't fit in

-what if I can't physically do what they ask me to do

-what if I miss my family too much

-what if I get emotional a lot and cry

-what if I'm hungry

-what if I don't change......

And the list could go on.  I know in my head this stuff is silly but it's hard to get that through to my heart sometimes. It feels like going to the first day of junior high.  

I also feel guilt....for leaving my children and husband, for not going to see family with my time off, for taking off work, for doing something just for me when so many other people need things.  

So there- it's out! I've spent this whole week mulling over all those things in my head and talking them out with friends and family and I think I'm moving back to excited. I really have never done anything just for me for that long in my whole life. It's a great time to start....a little worried about what the voices in my mind will be telling me without all the distractions but I think I'm ready to listen, and to change.

Life change can be hard!!

So, it's been awhile. This "life change thing" can get hard--especially when life hits.  It's not the days when the schedule is going as planned, you have the right ingredients, and all the appointments work out together and you're on time. It's the other 99% that makes it tough- the days your car breaks down, you have to get to an MD appt right after school, the school bus is late, you only have white bread and pretzels and an orange in the pantry....I can't be the only one!!!!! So- learning to keep up the exercise is hard. I got a bike and have been riding with the kids at least once a week---walking more--but regular gym time has been sorely lacking. I'm not so upset about that, as I am moving in the right direction, but it is only a symptom of a bigger problem. The "not taking care of me" problem.   When my eyebrows start to look shaggy, my gray hairs are showing, my hair is too long and my legs go unshaved.  When I start to let myself take a back seat to all the things that HAVE to get done.  I took a step today--abs and core at 430 on M and W---my time---I'm gonna do it. I am gonna keep changing!!!

Blessed and stressed and need balance.......you?

My little mohawk wearing dude!

I read a meme the other day that said "Just blessed enough to be stressed." That is how I feel.  Life really is good, BUT, the little things can be so stressful. My son has been my stress for the month. He is a great kid-9 years old-sensitive, cool, ahead of his time in so many ways-my little old man!  He started struggling in math about 8 weeks ago and it has been like a quick downward spiral.  He doesn't understand the curriculum, but his teacher told him he "wasn't following directions and not paying attention." It was amazing how quickly that assessment led to my boy feeling like a failure. And, interestingly enough-8 weeks later after educational assessments, tutoring, calls to teachers, principals, superintendents, opting out of testing, everyone came together and basically said, "He is a cool kid, obedient, people pleasing, direction following, who is struggling in math and that is making him frustrated in all areas of life, especially school."  I'M HIS MOM.  I KNEW THAT ON DAY ONE. His teacher and principal wanted to push it off on behavior instead of just plain old "not getting it." The poor kid was having to sit out in recess for not doing an optional math home program when he was doing extra math every night in addition to two hours of tutoring weekly.  Talk about mixed messages.  I cannot imagine what parents with kids who have actual special needs go through.  I was so stressed a couple of nights I just went to bed with the kids. I had nothing left to give---nothing-not for my other kids, not for my husband, not for me.  I kept telling myself this is small, he is going to be OK, no worries but my head wouldn't let me believe that, and as my son cried every day going to school it was hard to believe.  There is something about my kids that my mind won't and can't let go. But the thing I need my heart to remember is that I do better when I take care of me.

That brings me to me.  I get all caught up in feelings and it is like the whole world is on hold for me. Exercise-out the window; food-just do what you need to get by; time for me to keep me healthy-cant do it; have to keep everyone else healthy.  Is it just me or does everyone else get put last in the order of needs?  I have to change this thinking. I have to take care of me. I am so much better when me gets taken care of, but I cant seem to get  back to me until everyone else is good.  What odd alien is this in me that focuses so much on others at my expense?    Don't get me wrong-dong for others is good, but not taking care of me is bad.....I need balance and having trouble finding it this week.  Still at 19 pounds and holding.....

Didn't want to get on the scale! Eek!

I didn't want to get on the scale. I don't weigh too often but I felt that I hadn't done a great job of making good choices this week. I didn't go crazy or anything but I didn't plan as well and more than once I ate whatever I could get my hands on when I came in the house. This included home made sugar cookies, leftover steak, grilled corn on the cob, leftover roast and potatoes etc etc etc.   and when I was hungry I ate but I felt like I ate more than I needed. I did eat more than I needed.  The good part is, I'm moving more, even when I ate a lot I ate less for the next meal, and I drank lots of water....so the scale did not see an increase! Down a solid 19 pounds now. I'm being more mindful this week and trying to get in extra exercise!  And I got on the scale because I figured either way, I had to know and make adjustments!!!! Keep moving forward....no matter what!

Brutally honest. Must read. Really long. Worth it.

So, I'm on a short weekend trip with my mom so I have a lot of kid free time to write.  (Something I rarely have- this the limited posts!!). I'm figuring out the time thing.  Slowly- making appts for my gym time, riding bikes WITH the kiddos, exercising with my daughter and just INCREASING. movement. I'm down about 17 lbs now and regularly exercising one to two times a week. Not t exactly where I want to be BUT farther than I could be.

So to the brutal honesty. I have a confession to make. I have been a very bitchy wife.  I have a husband of 22 years. I met him when he was 19 and I was 17. We were pregnant about a week after I met him. He was my first.  And-he said and did some crappy things. Things typical of a 19 year old. We moved in together and we fought a lot. We married when our precious girl was 15 months old. When he asked me to marry him it wasn't the romantic way I had hoped.  Our wedding was small  and the music not quite right and our honeymoon was short and we had differing expectations and were flat broke when we got home. The next years brought conflict and resolution, death and new life, moves and college and growth. Jeff grew into a responsible man and I grew but have been holding onto the past for far too long.  

I have reminded him so many times of what the crappy 19 year old said, of how his unromantic proposal hurt, of how I don't know if I would have chosen him and not sure he would have chose me had circumstances been different. I've complained about so much for so long.

Then one day last month during a disagreement he said, " You have spent so long telling me I'm a bad husband and father. I get it." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I done that, said that? I thought I encouraged him, supported him, helped him, loved him. It took me a full 24 hours of crying and thinking and being pissed and then sad before I was ready to talk. 

He agreed I was encouraging when things went well but during arguments I typically brought up he past and reminded him of his failings. See, all this time I felt like I was the one who missed out on things...like college and trips and young single life and I think I have blamed him for that in some way.  I have gotten sad when I see other couples who did it different or the "right" way. I fantasize about what our life would have been like. I know that sounds crazy but the craziest part is that I HAVE the most unbelievable husband.  

At 17 he held me when I found out I was pregnant ( we had been together  about a month). He told me he would adopt the baby if I wanted to give up the baby because he didn't want his child "running around not knowing her daddy."  He paid all the bills and moved in with me when I was so sick during pregnancy. He helped to wash me and combed my hair when I was so sick I couldn't move. He loved my big pregnant body and acted like he was attracted to me (he says he was- still questionable). He STAYED when he easily could have left. He helped me through postpartum depression and major depression when me and our baby wouldn't stop crying.  He couldn't wait to ask me to marry him because he wanted to be with me forever- so he asked me while I was folding laundry before Valentine's Day.  He learned to do dishes and clean house and wash clothes and became a father even though he almost passed out in the delivery room. He has always been loyal and faithful and provided for our family. He supported my schooling and became Mr. Mom. He supported my 60+ hour a week job and the complaining that came with it. He welcomed the idea of having more children and stayed home with them for 3 years and encouraged my move into a career. Then he went back to work so I could be home more with our kiddos.  This is an incredible man. He loves me, he loves our children and he lives "us".  We are far from a fairy tale. But the thing is, fairy tales aren't true.

Life is hard.  Relationships are messy.  It's not how he asks you to marry him or whether or not he acted like an ass ( I omitted all my asinine actions).  It is what he does every day- the things like running a bath when the day has been crazy, buying our daughter macaroons because they are her favorite, laughing at our kiddos burping at the table, dinner together every night.  That is the true fairy tale life. I have it. I just didn't realize it.

I apologized last week for being a Bitch about our life. I promised I wouldn't do it anymore. I told him I love him and I would choose him again even under different circumstances.  He is the only one who really really really knows me. I don't know what I would do without him.

Grouchy and out of time

So it's been awhile. This past week has been so full.  I swear I didn't have time for anything. I was working in the day, then picked up kids, homework and activities, dinner, bedtime, and pass out tired.  I didn't exercise because I did not have time during the week. Weekend was a different story......I had time but chose to do other things. Tried to get back on the wagon tonight- got to the gym ready to swim and forgot there was a class going on that was only half done and I didn't even bring tennis shoes to do anything else!  Ahhhhhhh I am having a week!!

I have to keep moving forward even when I am falling back a bit. I have lost 17 pounds. I'm making better choices at least 80% of the time. I am moving more but I am having trouble working the exercise into my life....any suggestions out there?  Just so you know the facts....I have 3 kids..6,8 and 22 and all are at home. I get the kids ready in am and get them to school, then go straight to work, then pick up after school. Then homework, snack, after school activities on mon, tues, wed, Friday and sometimes Thursday. Dinner by 730 when hubby gets home. Bedtime at 830. I'm tired writing it! Don't suggest early mornings. Me and mornings prior to 7am don't get along!!!!! Other mo snake this work....how???? What am I missing????

Help. Me.

Depression and Spinning....in no particular order.

Depression.  I have it. I deal with it.  I hate it some days. Some days I think it makes me think deeper and have more empathy for others. Most days though, I hate it.  I take medication. I have for over 20 years.  Most days I'm ok with that. Most days I get through and feel pretty normal emotionally.  But last week was hard for me.  Sometimes life just hits you. And, when you have depression like me, it can be something seemingly insignificant that throws you into a tailspin. It was my son being made fun of and struggling at school. It makes me feel helpless, puts me back in a mind frame of where I was at that age and struggles I had, makes me mad and makes me sad. I feel like I'm in a dark spot and my soul hurts and I just can't shake it off.  I've learned the cognitive tricks, I know it will go away, but for those few days of emptiness inside, of irritation and agitation and racing thoughts and sleepless nights, I struggle.  I didn't exercise but once last week.  The mind and body work together and last week I felt like they were against me.  But, I didn't give in and I am still journeying.  But, depression sucks and it sucked the life out of me just enough to make me not write and not enjoy life.......and this week I'm baaaaack.

Spinning. I tried it.  I almost died. I hate it.  Who thought that spinning was a good idea???  Hey let's stick your feet in stirrups (that you cant get out of) and then make a tiny little seat (that makes it feel like its going up your who-ha) and then blare loud music (with racy lyrics nonetheless) and scream at the bicyclists to go faster and push harder (this lady made boot camp seem fun).  Hey-that sounds like a great idea......let's call it spinning.  I bet the instructors get paid extra for anyone who can't walk after the class. I am quite certain my who-ha will not be sitting for some time.  My legs are still vibrating and I seriously think it could take some time for the who-ha to recover.  But, I made it the whole hour and at least I didn't stop. That is what it is all about anyway. It's not whether or not something is hard, it is continuing even when it IS hard and even when it hurts; in life and in spinning.

No excuses.

Yesterday was not a great day.  I didn't work, kids out of school...long morning, coffee drinking kind of day. I could have exercised....I didn't. I could have chosen not to eat the Reese's chocolate peanut butter bars my daughter made, but I didn't. I could have gone out and played in the snow, but I didn't.  I know I know....everyone needs a break,but I didn't. This whole week was filled with free time and I chose to do other things. It's all about choices.  I am great at excuses, another thing I've figured out about myself AND I am GREAT at selling my excuses to anyone who cares to listen. But, ultimately all of life comes down to the decisions I make. I can excuse myself right into oblivion and still have ALL the consequences and rewards of the choices make.  It's usually not life and death, good or bad, it's more like good or better.  I want to choose better.  I want to make less excuses and more choices.  I went to the gym first thing today. Water aerobics and 20 laps. I needed to make better choices today. I have to make today what yesterday wasn't.  No excuses.

The good, the bad, and the speedo!

So this could be a long one.....hang in there. This was a weird week. I got my speedo swimming suit in the mail. I am enjoying swimming but realized the skirted suits I have become accustomed to wearing tend to go up over your head during lap swimming.  So I got an exercise suit....then had this great idea that I would be proud of me in my suit and encourage others to be ok in a swimsuit and share their swimsuit pic. All this went on in my head BEFORE I put on the suit. As you can see from the picture above, there were certainly doubts as I put it on.  I would not recommend pulling this picture any closer to zoom in, as I have realized some parts of me look a little scary! But then I realized I'm ok with that. I'm not gonna ever look like a swimsuit model most likely- although I can always dream!! My butt and hips are a bit larger than the average bear even when I'm healthy.  My shoulders are broader, my neck is shorter....I could go on and on. Everyone could.....but I have to take comfort in the fact that there is only one me. I know, it's kindergarten but I often forget what an awesome and powerful thing that is. Me....the only one who thinks and feels and laughs and cries at things in the exact way. The way my mind lives on the fences of issues, my heart struggles with good and bad and faith and politics. The way I hate cups with lids, leave cabinet doors open, don't pay quite enough attention to road signs, speak up even when folks don't want to hear, root for the underdog, try to make things right, take on others feelings and I could go on and on again. It has taken me a long time to realize that these things are ok and make me who I am BUT I so often feel bad about the real me....the inside and out of me. Sooooo....that pic is the beginning of being OK with me just the way I am.....and you can tell from my face....it is a journey! Ha!

I just ate cake.

I just ate terrible, awful, sweet and sugary cake. I did pretty good tonight other than that and a few margaronaritas.  But I feel heavy and sick at my stomach and miserable. I just wanted something a little sweet. I should have had another strawberry but no---the tye dye heart cake with vanilla hot pink frosting and sugar sprinkles (daughter made for little girls)was sitting there and in my mouth it went. I probably have blue teeth and green intestines. 

Tomorrow is a new day. I will exercise and eat well.  This is a journey. Giving up is not an option. Damn cake. Damn bad choices.

30 laps swimming and guilt

Yes me!! I did 30 laps in the pool today.  Yesterday I did 20. And yes, I think it's like 68 laps makes a mile BUT I did it. And bad/good news.  Bad news- only went to gym twice last week. Good news: I went to playground with my 6 year old -we lovingly refer to as Goose-and we played for couple hours.  And by played I don't mean sat on a bench and watched her, I actually played! I walked on the small balance beams and did yoga poses while she did monkey bars. I threw the frisbee and ran to see who could get it first. I ran at the dog park with my dog (ok she's 13 I didn't have to run too fast!) but I moved. I built it in to the life I have.  I was walking out the door to go to the gym when Goose asked me if I would go to the park.  How could I say no- the weather was beautiful and she wanted to play.  

Guilt- a big reason I don't take care of me. I feel guilt if I don't work enough. Guilt if I don't spend enough time with my kiddos. Guilt for buying something I need. Guilt for buying something I don't need. Guilt for getting my hair done or spending time on my own.  I know I need these things. I know I need time for me but I've spent such a large part of my life making sure I "made it" and taking care of others that I haven't learned to take care of me. I have to diligently strive to take time for me.  It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

"Is that your leg?"

My 6 year old was sitting next to me and bumped into my leg.  She said, "Oh my gosh, is that your leg? It's so small. I can't believe that's your leg."  So I haven't lost that much weight that my legs look like toothpicks, but she is currently my favorite child.

I swam for thirty minutes today. Not nonstop, although I hope to get there.  Water has become my drink of choice. Going to the bathroom has become my activity of choice. I swear I have a bladder the size of a pea.  Still making good food choices and I really haven't been too tempted. A few days this week I did poor planning with not enough protein and those days were tough- not starving, but just didn't feel good. I'm trying to listen to my body signals of hungry and full. It's been so long since I've listened I think my body forgot how to speak!!! Here's to good listening skills!!

Yoga and more downward dog than you can shake a stick at!!!!

My left thumb is numb. Not sure why but I think it had something to do  with the 50  downward dogs I did in the last hour.  I have trouble not laughing at yoga. Don't get me wrong. I like it, I think it's great exercise but all the "breath in love and joy" and those loud exhales just make me giggle!  But, I completed a class and that is exercise day 1 this week!  I may add an extra exercise day this week due to the delicious margaritas I had at the Super Bowl party- and a few more chips than were great for me. Good news is I didn't go cray cray and I was reasonable with a lot of good food! I'm doing better and moving in the right direction.  

10 lbs and lots of better choices!

I'm down 10 lbs. I'm happy BUT I'm happier because I have really made some good choices this month. 

1. I tried and joined a gym. ( Some may not agree with this being a good choice BUT I joined with my daughter and got a deal I can live with!)

2.  I realized I can lose weight and not be on a diet. I just ate good food, made better choices, cut out a lot of junk and drank a lot of water!  ( I even had a five guys burger one night- went out to eat several times- just made better---and smaller choices!)

3.  I agreed to do a 5k.  (Yes- it is the Annapolis beer run, but I figured there has got to be some running in there with the drinking!)

4. I made some time for me. ( not a lot I still have to work on it BUT I went to the gym, got a haircut, new makeup and the kids lived through it!) 

I have 11 months to go to reach my goal but I feel like I'm well on my way!

3 workouts since Friday!!!!

I went to a swim fitness class tonight.  I was sure I would be the youngest there by 20 years but I was NOT!  Also I was dissin it a little 20 minutes in BUT as I tried to walk up the stairs to hang up my towel after I got home, I realized that my legs hurt where they have not hurt for some time!!!! I'm feeling good. I'm getting back in control of me. I even got a haircut this weekend....I needed something fresh and new. Good things to come! I know it....

Packages in the mail

 I was going to exercise this morning but the kids were out of school, and we slept late and went and saw Paddington. ( I would not recommend.) Then errands and time got away from me as is easy in the wonderland called IKEA! Anyway I got home at 930 and there was an envelope from a friend. I opened it and there was a Jillian Michaels video and a sweet and encouraging note!  In the note it stated that "when I can't get to the gym I do this 20 minute workout".  And, because that was the exact situation I was in, I decided it was a sign. So yep I got on my exercise clothes ( and so did my kids) and we worked out!!! My muscles hurt and are still vibrating a little, but I did it!!!!  Thank you Karen!  You made me push tonight harder than I would have. You also reminded me of how important small gestures can be. I'm gonna look for opportunities to pay it forward this week!

I did it!!!!

I went.  Was it sleeting? Yes. Did my 6 year old tell me she hated it and did not want to go? Yes. Did my oldest daughter refuse to do Zumba with me? Yes. Did I have no appropriate gym wear? Yes. Did I go REGARDLESS of all that? Yes-yes-yes!!!!!! And I actually enjoyed it. I wasn't the oldest or the biggest and once I had my 80s rock party jammin.....I was good. I did elliptical and the bike and abs.  I already took ibuprofen as it's been awhile since I've moved at any intensity for an hour!  But I did it-- no excuses. It feels good. I did it. 

9 days til gym membership

Sooo-  Feb 1 is my internal deadline for gym membership!  I got a one week trial at LA Fitness! Tomorrow is gym day 1!  No excuses- goal is 3 days a week.  And I have some awesome and exciting news about my fitness and wellness future!!!! Working out details and then I'll spill it. BTW....it is hard to eat only one bowl of soup even when you are full.  It just feels like that can't be a meal...it's just broth and stuff....and yummy!  Drank so much water today almost peed on myself twice----cars need toilets. Keep on the lookout for my news!!!

Day 18 and I'm Not Hungry

I had pizza and chipotle today. Not great if you are on a diet. But I'm not! I'm changing my eating patterns. Soo- I had two small slices of jalapeño and banana pepper pizza and a serving of fresh pineapples. Then I got a chipotle salad with its new roasted tofu.  And......drum roll please......I only ate half because I was........FULL!  I've been trying so hard to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and stop when im not. I've always been a plate cleaner. I never remember being told to clean my plate, not sure where I got that from. I know I grew up as one of six kids and waste wasn't looked upon favorably. "Take all you want but eat all you take," was a common saying in my home. I guess that's another way to say clean your plate....hadn't really thought about it that way.  Anyway-relearning bad habits!!!!  Went to LA Fitness today. Smelled nice and very clean. I liked it. But, why don't they have activities and classes for kids. So I'm gonna go get in shape while my kid sits and watches movies and plays video games in the kids lib. that just doesn't seem right....no other gyms close. All guns should have programs for kids so they don't have to go through this journey later!  

I Found a Dent!

I felt a dent !!! In my side that I have not felt in awhile ! I was putting on my clothes and I just felt like something was different as I pulled my shirt over!  There is a new dent where my waist used to be!!  Here it is on Day 14 and I have made myself a new dent.  I even told my 6 year old girl about it.  I made her touch my new dent and she smiled and said “Yeah, I feel it.” I don’t think she really did and she was looking at me kinda crazy just talking about dents but she knew I was excited and she went along.  Confession:  I weighed.  I didn’t want to but the scale was sitting there and I have been eating so much better and well—3lbs!!!!!!!  And I haven’t even gone to the gym yet.  This is exciting to me.  I know three pounds is not a lot and frankly when I was doing Weight watchers I lost 12 lbs the first week BUT I never was able to keep it off.  I just got tired of counting calories or points or eating portions the size of my index finger.  Lifestyle—I have to change my lifestyle---it has to be forever—I don’t have that much time left on the earth and I want to make it count.  Even if I live to be 97, I only have 56 years left. That is quick-blink and it is GONE.  I’ve still got a lot of stuff to do. I haven’t even quite figured out what I want to be when I grow up. I need TIME!!!!!!