One more day and imperfection

Day 13-On my way home from workout squenched between two buddies and not smelling great.

I can't believe I only have one more day.  I feel like I have gone from feeling disconnected to very connected with a small group of people in a small amount of time.  I feel scared in a way going home but strangely at peace with that feeling.  Did you notice how many times I said "feel"????  This is a very good thing.  Today even started out with sleeping in (and I was quite frustrated with that-missing breakfast, late for exercise) but then someone super important called and needed me for a minute.  I stopped what I was doing, sat on the floor and lived in the  moment.  I paid attention to the call, was OK with being late, and felt like it was a blessing because I got to talk to that person with my undivided attention.  I think in therapist speak that is "re-framing" but in regular old me speak, it is just feeling OK with where I am at the moment.  I am feeling OK with where I am-really OK.

I have to do a menu tonight and a grocery list to go over with the dietitian. I'm meeting with the trainer tomorrow to go over my fitness plan. I'm getting my blood drawn again and then I will weigh in on Thursday.  I have a lot to do. I feel anxious but "good" anxious-"proud" anxious and "completed something big anxious"---like "the day before you graduate from something" anxious.  This is a really big deal for me. I did this totally because I needed it.  I stuck it out even when it was hard and I feel so much better on this side. So, in all honesty, I am a little scared-normal scared I think.  I worry that I wont be able to implement all the things I have learned, afraid I am going to do too much too soon and then end up getting burnt out or overwhelmed and giving up.  A little scared that my family may not understand some of the changes and may not want to give me the room I need to grow healthy.  I have set goals, I have made lists, I have talked extensively to my husband who, bless his heart, puts up with all my extremeness and I know that I am going to mess up but for the first time in a long time, I am OK with that. 

I am on a journey. I am imperfect.  I have dimples in my thighs. My eyebrows grow eyebrows if I don't get them done regularly.  I have overeaten a lot in the past and minimized it.  I am not always put together and don't know how to match clothes well.  I have more than one chin right now.  My butt will always be bigger than the average bear.  I will always live with the hurt that being a teenage mom brought.  I will live with pain from my past that at times will hurt more than other times. I will cry in front of others sometimes and maybe even at work.  I have a strong faith but ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I grunt and sometimes I yell and sometimes I sing loudly (and not good) during workouts.  I can't see without my glasses and I cant wear contacts anymore but glasses make my eyes look bigger (someone told me that today and that is how I know.)  I will always share too much information and be inappropriate without knowing it or feeling that it was.  I will always hug big and put my heart out there even though that hurts sometimes.  All of this is part of me and no one can be like me or take me away from me.  I will learn to love me for exactly who I am all the time.  After all, I'm the only me there is, I can't change that.