WARNING: RAW EMOTIONS

DAY 8:  I wrote a letter to one of my issues today and even though it was really tough I shared it in class. It is raw and emotional but true of how I feel.  Then we had self defense training and I got to punch the hell out of punching bags and kick as hard as I could. I don't feel as angry.  Lots of emotions are bubbling up that I have pushed down for a long time. It is really good, but it feels really bad at times.  I am learning and discovering and really am ready to be different in many ways. It is definitely a journey.

Dear Depression,

I want you to know that I am angry at you.  I feel like you took away a lot of years. You made me act irrational and angry and get so out of whack that I had to take medicine just to even out.  Then, I lost myself.  I know it wasn't only you, but I lost the bounce I had, the quest for a big life--I lost some of who I was in the medicine I have to take to keep me level-numb-at times without emotion because if I feel, I feel too long;  if I cry, I cry a lot; if I let the thoughts in, I can't let go.  I've  changed into someone that I don't  even know sometimes. I don't know how I feel.  I used to love hugs and affection and I still do, but I've become colder, harder, worn from life but also because I have to deal with you and the medicine.  I tried not to treat you . I'm so stable I tried to let the meds go, but you wouldn't let me. You made my mind crazy. You made me irrational and irritable and the crying was too much. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think. I was panicking and the anxiety was overwhelming. I couldn't complete the responsibilities I had taken on under the reigns of medication. So I went back so that I could function-you let me down. I thought we were past that.

You are always gonna be there.  My mind won't ever be right without meds and I was so young when I started that I often wonder who I would have been without them. Would I struggle with my self image, my self worth?  Why do I always compare?  I have joy for others but wonder what I did that wasn't good enough to get the prize, award, recognition, honor-only to realize when I do get it I feel like a fraud because I don't deserve it.  I always feel like I'm gonna be found out-I'm not really as smart, not really as good a therapist, faking my relationships because I so desperately want to feel connected. And then I get rejected again and the numbness can't cover the pain and the feelings are raw but the same illness that causes the out of whack emotions also causes the numbness.

How will I ever defeat you? I cant.  You are a part of me that will never let go. I am angry at you-very, very angry.  Don't try to make me feel better because I want to be angry at you-at what you have taken from me-what I will never have because of you and angry that you now may have my children in your grasp. I didn't want them to have to feel your crushing effects but I can't save them. I hate you for that and I won't forgive you. I wish you would go away forever, but I know I will wake up tomorrow and take my twenty milligrams and numb out again because I can't live without that and I don't know any different.

Debbie