Never give up.

DAY 9

I thought I was worn out yesterday but today I felt like I couldn't get out of bed.  I hit the snooze 10 times and was almost late.  My mind and body were telling me to go back to bed and that nothing was worth how good sleeping was going to feel. But I got up anyway.  I ate my Eggs Benedict (without the sauce) so really it was eggs unbenedict and got my butt to the gym.  I was grouchy and so tired and I finished the workout. ALL of it with no stopping.  I didn't like it, but I did it.  Then when I went to get my after workout snack I started crying. I had felt it during the workout-the feeling of pure exhaustion and emotional rawness and I was able to hold it in, but then I couldn't anymore. I felt groggy, and a bit dizzy and I just started crying. After the trainer and nurse  checked me out, I realized I hadn't had enough water but still I was feeling drained and  just emotionally and physically exhausted.

So that is how the day went, periods of crying with me being embarrassed and not wanting to cry and periods of pushing through even when I didn't want to do anything.  I hate crying in front of people. It has always signified some sort of weakness in me.  I never mind other people crying and in my head I know it is OK.  But somehow when it is me, I hate it. I hate the attention it brings, the frustration inside of not knowing exactly how I feel and the craziness here of it happening out of the blue, seemingly. But, when you have stuffed things deep inside, all the way down to your toes for so many years, crying comes out sideways.  I feel a hurt that I don't even understand and feel an exhaustion that makes me feel like I'm in the early tipsy stages of drinking-when you just start to feel a little out of your head.  I literally sat down to lunch and started crying and couldn't stop.  Our Dietitian was sitting next to me and gently asked if I'd like to share anything. I did not, but I can't tell you the wonderful support that I got sitting with a table full of people letting me cry and assuring me they were available if I wanted to talk. I got no judgement, just a lot of understanding.  I did stop eventually but this happened several times today.

I talked to the therapist this afternoon.  A lot of stuff is coming up for me.A lot of anxiety is peeking out.   A lot of "AHA" moments, and I am realizing that while I have a lot of friends, I don't have a lot of deep connections with people who I can share my innermost feelings.  In fact, I don't feel like I am very good at that. I am trying to figure out why and I have people in my life I truly love, but maybe I haven't been able to be vulnerable because of that fear that someone will find out the true me. I'm still working through this but I know that I need to learn to connect better....to work on friendships and build relationships.

With that said, I ended my difficult day with a pedicure with two super supportive folks who helped encourage me through the day and then went to dinner with an old friend from high school.  I think it was a good start at connecting and learning to let people help me and support me.  Dang-this is way harder than I thought it would be....after all, I didn't even think anything was wrong with me!