Brutally honest. Must read. Really long. Worth it.

So, I'm on a short weekend trip with my mom so I have a lot of kid free time to write.  (Something I rarely have- this the limited posts!!). I'm figuring out the time thing.  Slowly- making appts for my gym time, riding bikes WITH the kiddos, exercising with my daughter and just INCREASING. movement. I'm down about 17 lbs now and regularly exercising one to two times a week. Not t exactly where I want to be BUT farther than I could be.

So to the brutal honesty. I have a confession to make. I have been a very bitchy wife.  I have a husband of 22 years. I met him when he was 19 and I was 17. We were pregnant about a week after I met him. He was my first.  And-he said and did some crappy things. Things typical of a 19 year old. We moved in together and we fought a lot. We married when our precious girl was 15 months old. When he asked me to marry him it wasn't the romantic way I had hoped.  Our wedding was small  and the music not quite right and our honeymoon was short and we had differing expectations and were flat broke when we got home. The next years brought conflict and resolution, death and new life, moves and college and growth. Jeff grew into a responsible man and I grew but have been holding onto the past for far too long.  

I have reminded him so many times of what the crappy 19 year old said, of how his unromantic proposal hurt, of how I don't know if I would have chosen him and not sure he would have chose me had circumstances been different. I've complained about so much for so long.

Then one day last month during a disagreement he said, " You have spent so long telling me I'm a bad husband and father. I get it." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I done that, said that? I thought I encouraged him, supported him, helped him, loved him. It took me a full 24 hours of crying and thinking and being pissed and then sad before I was ready to talk. 

He agreed I was encouraging when things went well but during arguments I typically brought up he past and reminded him of his failings. See, all this time I felt like I was the one who missed out on things...like college and trips and young single life and I think I have blamed him for that in some way.  I have gotten sad when I see other couples who did it different or the "right" way. I fantasize about what our life would have been like. I know that sounds crazy but the craziest part is that I HAVE the most unbelievable husband.  

At 17 he held me when I found out I was pregnant ( we had been together  about a month). He told me he would adopt the baby if I wanted to give up the baby because he didn't want his child "running around not knowing her daddy."  He paid all the bills and moved in with me when I was so sick during pregnancy. He helped to wash me and combed my hair when I was so sick I couldn't move. He loved my big pregnant body and acted like he was attracted to me (he says he was- still questionable). He STAYED when he easily could have left. He helped me through postpartum depression and major depression when me and our baby wouldn't stop crying.  He couldn't wait to ask me to marry him because he wanted to be with me forever- so he asked me while I was folding laundry before Valentine's Day.  He learned to do dishes and clean house and wash clothes and became a father even though he almost passed out in the delivery room. He has always been loyal and faithful and provided for our family. He supported my schooling and became Mr. Mom. He supported my 60+ hour a week job and the complaining that came with it. He welcomed the idea of having more children and stayed home with them for 3 years and encouraged my move into a career. Then he went back to work so I could be home more with our kiddos.  This is an incredible man. He loves me, he loves our children and he lives "us".  We are far from a fairy tale. But the thing is, fairy tales aren't true.

Life is hard.  Relationships are messy.  It's not how he asks you to marry him or whether or not he acted like an ass ( I omitted all my asinine actions).  It is what he does every day- the things like running a bath when the day has been crazy, buying our daughter macaroons because they are her favorite, laughing at our kiddos burping at the table, dinner together every night.  That is the true fairy tale life. I have it. I just didn't realize it.

I apologized last week for being a Bitch about our life. I promised I wouldn't do it anymore. I told him I love him and I would choose him again even under different circumstances.  He is the only one who really really really knows me. I don't know what I would do without him.