I realized today that this is the first time in my whole life, as an adult, that I have spent more than a few days away from my family (not work related.) I have not had much time in my life to think about or do things for myself, especially as important as this. It has been hard to be away, but I think it was a much needed time. While I have missed my family, I have really embraced the opportunity to be here and work on myself. I have been absolutely OK alone. If I am being totally honest, it has been a bit of a mind and kid vacation! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but my kids are physically on me and emotionally need me ALL THE TIME. Having a break from that that was also filled with physical and emotional health was something I didn't even know I needed. It did take a village though to get away. My oldest daughter is helping at home with my youngest and my son is travelling visiting relatives in Tennessee and Arkansas. I had to ask for rides from the airport, ask for help with my daughter while I was gone and with my son while he traveled to different relatives homes. It was hard to ask for help and my family loves to help. I just don't like to ask.
Why is it that asking for help is so hard? For me, I think I don't want anyone to know that I struggle or need someone else. It is a vulnerable place to be to ask someone for something and then if they say no, there is that sense of rejection that can feel really bad. I think part of my issue with taking care of myself is not asking for help when I need it. Some days I need to get away, and some days I need to take a bath and that needs to be OK. In all honesty, I think my family would be fine with it but I think it is more my head that isn't. I feel the mother guilt, the wife guilt, the guilt of not getting all the things done in the house or whatever else needs to be done. Taking care of myself was not a part of my upbringing and it is strange and feels funny to do something for myself in lieu of taking care of someone else. I am a great caretaker-at work and at home but I am a lousy takecareofmyselfer! I am gonna work on that everyday. Nutrition and exercise and emotional health are part of taking care of me. I have to do things different from now on. I can't fall back in the traps.
I have to make changes and I will.
Oh-one more thing I forgot to say yesterday, I did a 49 second plank!!!! (See pic above.) I thought I may die but I pushed through and did it. I have never sweated so hard for absolutely being still. Planks hurt.
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