Sadness and Soreness

Day 5 and Still Alive

Totally forgot to blog yesterday!  As you can see, from the pic of my fit bit on the left, I was focused on getting all my steps in.  Today is on the right, and does not count the half hour I was treading water and laps in the pool.  And yes, I am very tired today.  My calves (calfs?) hurt super bad and are very tight and the rest of me is just worn down.  I fatigued doing overhead presses today with 8# weights.  I did the reps but it was HARD.  And I feel down today.  I'm trying to process it because one thing you learn in a treatment place is to process your feelings. So in the next paragraph I am gonna try to break down what I'm feeling.

First of all, I get on the sad side when I am tired and when I am away from my family so that plays a part. Next, in group sessions here, we are talking about REAL issues-of which I didn't think I really had many. I mean, I have issues as we all do, but I really thought I had gotten through most of mine BUT  I have never dealt with food as an issue.  Today we touched on binge eating-which I of course thought I never did. However, as I learn more about it, I definitely have tendencies in that area and although not as severe as some folks, it has definitely hurt my overall health and wellness. 

I also realized that I still have some emotional things rolling around in my head.  We talked today about what was going on in our lives three years ago and how it affected us today.  Also about guilt and shame and messages we hear that have affected us.  Three years ago I was dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever faced. I was falsely accused of fraud by an employee and underwent a two month investigation which was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I also realized that I do feel inadequate sometimes and that there are still some self image problems I have that I have stuffed down deep inside.  I think I am really good at stuffing things down deep inside and not dealing with them...EVER.  I know major depression is a disease but I keep thinking that with medication and counseling I am better and in a lot of ways I am, but it is a disease. I will have to deal with it my whole life AND even with medication, I see things through a different lens.  I keep very busy with other people and things so I don't have to deal with my own things.  I don't take care of me-in a lot of ways, but I think I have really  learned to not deal with my feelings on a lot of things because it is to hard to feel them.  

Anyway- I am embracing the sadness, the realization that I am not as unbroken as I thought and that I can and will learn new strategies and am beginning an even bigger adventure.  The group has been really supportive of the tears, the sad, the soreness, and encouraging BUT as is always the case with me, I feel like an outsider.  My mind just is a weird puzzle.  

I'm writing early because I know that after dinner I will crash.....my mind and body are exhausted but my spirit is well.  Thanks for taking the time to read and I cant tell you how encouraging it is to see that folks are taking the time to view this and to journey with me.