Back to the real world!

So, even though emotionally the two weeks I spent at FitRX were difficult, the rest was really pampering for a Mom.  A maid cleaned my room and made my bed, my sheets were changed for me, the towels were always fresh, my meals were all prepared by a chef and I got to watch what I wanted and do what I wanted when I wanted after my days were done.  Yeah-so I had kinda forgotten that home was gonna be waiting for me just as I left it, if not a little worse.  I got the biggest hugs ever from my family BUT (think of the Jaws theme in your head now)-there were stacks of mail, the house was just a messy as I left it, the children fought on the way home from the airport and apparently the maid (haha) forgot to make my bed!!  It was good to be home but for some reason, every time I leave I imagine that some clean fairy will jump into my husbands body and clean everything spotlessly and have a gourmet meal on the table and all the children will sit around me like on Leave it to Beaver and talk about how wonderful life is!!!  HA HA HA!  Never will happen. But, it was nice to be back to my normal.

I made it through the airport with packed snacks!  I answered all the questions I could on the trip to the airport with family.  Got home at about 10 ish and had to make a meal because the flight and times did not all coordinate with my set snack and meal schedule. But-I ate good portions, ate healthy and wasn't starving.  The next morning I got up and ate a good breakfast, ready to go back to work and then the babysitter fell through and I go through it-not happily but quickly and had a great day. I went to Trader Joes and shopped. Went to Wegmans and shopped-got good healthy food and spent what I normally spend a week on groceries-small miracle!  I have a plan for food and I have been following it.  It is definitely harder at home.  I am still learning the carb and protein snack combos for better satisfaction and my eldest daughter has (not so lovingly) described my explanations as very Mr. Rogers Neighborhoody!!!  They keep adding reeses pieces and other chocolate delights to the carb side of my snack chart!  But, I was able to eat my healthier snacks while they ate chocolate chip cookies, not because I was depriving myself, but because I really feel better when I eat and carb/protein mix.  The whole "no chips in the house for a month til I get better control over eating" went out the window on day one when they whipped out chips and salsa BUT I was OK--the rotel was a bit harder but I could have had some if I wanted but I really wanted something else more so I ate it instead.  So it is the food dance I must learn!

Exercise has been good. I have done something everyday. Thirty minutes a day was my first goal and I have well exceeded that.  While we watch shows I have been doing sets of crunches, ab exercises, squats etc during commercials. The kids enjoy it-either doing it with me or laughing at me as I grunt and sweat!! On Sunday, Lucy and I biked to the park, played together and biked back and I played--I was not standing on the sidelines. The kids are loving this improved version of me!  We biked 4 miles today to the grocery store to look for fireworks.  I was not aware of the long distance and did not google map it before I went.  This is my children's second significant bike ride-the first being 2.5 total miles. So yeah-there was a lot of "I can't make it" and " my legs hurt" and then the kids, they were grouchy too! But we did make it and we were super proud and now have fireworks to set off tonight!

So yeah-all in all, it is good to be home.  It is hard getting all the stuff in but I have to do it to make life better for me.....and for my family. My children ate a whole wheat sandwich with sprouts on it today and LIKED it!  They said the sprouts tasted like lettuce and beans!  They ate mac and cheese with spinach in it-well Lucy did.  They love the fruit infused water and they are trying some things they never have before.  I haven't tried Kale yet--don't have high hopes---but ya never know, Right?

Planks, mexican food and goodbyes

DAY 14

It was my last day!  I did a one minute and six second plank!  I stopped eating Mexican food at lunch when I felt satisfied instead of eating the whole plate!  If you've never struggled with diet or exercise these things may seem small, but they were huge to me.  I did all this with a group of people who are struggling with similar issues who never wavered from encouraging, positive words that kept me going.  I came in thinking that I didn't belong, that I didn't and wouldn't fit in and I am leaving with a group of people that I have come to respect and feel super connected to in many ways.  I feel anxious about continuing but I have the tools, I just have to use them.  I have a relapse plan, and a plan for staying healthy and in tune with me.  I also have the numbers and names of the people who helped me and of the people who were with me through this life changing two weeks.  One day at a time. I know I can do it, I want to do it, but change is hard -----I can't be like I was anymore or I will never be different.  I am getting up early tomorrow to go finish up my discharge and do morning exercise before I leave and say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.    

One more day and imperfection

Day 13-On my way home from workout squenched between two buddies and not smelling great.

I can't believe I only have one more day.  I feel like I have gone from feeling disconnected to very connected with a small group of people in a small amount of time.  I feel scared in a way going home but strangely at peace with that feeling.  Did you notice how many times I said "feel"????  This is a very good thing.  Today even started out with sleeping in (and I was quite frustrated with that-missing breakfast, late for exercise) but then someone super important called and needed me for a minute.  I stopped what I was doing, sat on the floor and lived in the  moment.  I paid attention to the call, was OK with being late, and felt like it was a blessing because I got to talk to that person with my undivided attention.  I think in therapist speak that is "re-framing" but in regular old me speak, it is just feeling OK with where I am at the moment.  I am feeling OK with where I am-really OK.

I have to do a menu tonight and a grocery list to go over with the dietitian. I'm meeting with the trainer tomorrow to go over my fitness plan. I'm getting my blood drawn again and then I will weigh in on Thursday.  I have a lot to do. I feel anxious but "good" anxious-"proud" anxious and "completed something big anxious"---like "the day before you graduate from something" anxious.  This is a really big deal for me. I did this totally because I needed it.  I stuck it out even when it was hard and I feel so much better on this side. So, in all honesty, I am a little scared-normal scared I think.  I worry that I wont be able to implement all the things I have learned, afraid I am going to do too much too soon and then end up getting burnt out or overwhelmed and giving up.  A little scared that my family may not understand some of the changes and may not want to give me the room I need to grow healthy.  I have set goals, I have made lists, I have talked extensively to my husband who, bless his heart, puts up with all my extremeness and I know that I am going to mess up but for the first time in a long time, I am OK with that. 

I am on a journey. I am imperfect.  I have dimples in my thighs. My eyebrows grow eyebrows if I don't get them done regularly.  I have overeaten a lot in the past and minimized it.  I am not always put together and don't know how to match clothes well.  I have more than one chin right now.  My butt will always be bigger than the average bear.  I will always live with the hurt that being a teenage mom brought.  I will live with pain from my past that at times will hurt more than other times. I will cry in front of others sometimes and maybe even at work.  I have a strong faith but ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I grunt and sometimes I yell and sometimes I sing loudly (and not good) during workouts.  I can't see without my glasses and I cant wear contacts anymore but glasses make my eyes look bigger (someone told me that today and that is how I know.)  I will always share too much information and be inappropriate without knowing it or feeling that it was.  I will always hug big and put my heart out there even though that hurts sometimes.  All of this is part of me and no one can be like me or take me away from me.  I will learn to love me for exactly who I am all the time.  After all, I'm the only me there is, I can't change that.

I will take time for me (and not feel guilty)!!!

Day 12

I realized today that this is the first time in my whole life, as an adult, that I have spent more than a few days away from my family (not work related.) I have not had much time in my life to think about or do things for myself, especially as important as this.  It has been hard to be away, but I think it was a much needed time.  While I have missed my family, I have really embraced the opportunity to be here and work on myself.  I have been absolutely OK alone.  If I am being totally honest, it has been a bit of a mind and kid vacation!  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but my kids are physically on me and emotionally need me ALL THE TIME.  Having a break from that that was also filled with physical and emotional health was something I didn't even know I needed. It did take a village though to get away.  My oldest daughter is helping at home with my youngest and my son is travelling visiting relatives in Tennessee and Arkansas.  I had to ask for rides from the airport, ask for help with my daughter while I was gone and with my son while he traveled to different relatives homes. It was hard to ask for help and my family loves to help. I just don't like to ask.

Why is it that asking for help is so hard?  For me, I think I don't want anyone to know that I struggle or need someone else.  It is a vulnerable place to be to ask someone for something and then if they say no, there is that sense of rejection that can feel really bad.  I think part of my issue with taking care of myself is not asking for help when I need it.  Some days I need to get away, and some days I need to take a bath and that needs to be OK.  In all honesty, I think my family would be fine with it but I think it is more my head that isn't.  I feel the mother guilt, the wife guilt, the guilt of not getting all the things done in the house or whatever else needs to be done. Taking care of myself was not a part of my upbringing and it is strange and feels funny to do something for myself in lieu of taking care of someone else.  I am a great caretaker-at work and at home but I am a lousy takecareofmyselfer!  I am gonna work on that everyday.  Nutrition and exercise and emotional health are part of taking care of me.  I have to do things different from now on.  I can't fall back in the traps.
I have to make changes and I will.  

Oh-one more thing I forgot to say yesterday, I did a 49 second plank!!!! (See pic above.) I thought I may die but I pushed through and did it. I have never sweated so hard for absolutely being still. Planks hurt.

Biggest Loser and name changes

DAY 11

Thinking a lot about home today. Missing my family (pictured above) in all their wonderfulness and weirdness!  And thinking of home, got me thinking about change and what I need to change.  I wrote down a lot of goals today. A balanced list of goals, as I don't want to overwhelm myself or my family with sudden change.  I know sudden change doesn't work....I've done that too many times.  What works is lifestyle changes. That's what I really like about this program. I want to talk a little about that as I feel I've done a lot of talking about my emotions but not how I got to them.

"Biggest Loser on steroids" was a brief description Michael gave me.  It is so much more than weight loss but I don't think I was ready to hear that in the beginning.  I wanted to get healthy but as you can see from the name of the Blog, it was primarily measured through weight loss.  But what I didn't understand (nor could I fully understand from explanation verbally) was how much more than weight loss a journey to health is in reality.  I go to 2 hours of exercise a day and 5 hours of classes.  Groups on mindfulness, nutrition, proper footwear, healthy cooking techniques, process groups, interpersonal skills...just to name a few.  There are fitness trainers here-3 really good ones who also understand the other stuff that goes into exercise; Nurse and Nurse practitioners-3 who both understand the emotional and physical side of health; 3 counselors and a program director who totally get the bigger picture of health and how that interacts with emotions; and then there are 2 Registered Dietitians who really understand eating and reality.  Everything is real here.  I was honest with everyone and they were honest too.  When I told the Dietitian that the reality was that I was not going to get organic eggs, she was OK with that. She then talked about what I could realistically do to make our eating healthier-like adding more vegetables and fruit to our daily diet.  The Nurse practitioner-Rex-sat down and had the best and most real conversation about my journey and tips for the future.  Every single person here understands all sides of the puzzle--they are all there for different pieces but they do a darn good job of fill in for therapy when someone needs encouragement.  And one of the things that really impressed me was that the Clinic Director (usually in clinics this is the one with the name on the book and on the website that you never see) leads two groups a week AND he makes stuff that was so far over my head understandable. And, lastly but definitely not least, are the other folks in the program--who become a life line.  This week I have laughed harder than I have in a long time (and cried longer too) and I have texted someone when I was having a weak moment and needed a quick lifeline.  I have had folks take me to the store and back and forth from the hotel to the facility and every single one here has touched my life in a meaningful way.  So yes, it is Biggest Loser on steroids but the thing I have realized is that it isn't the weight loss that is the important thing, it is the other stuff-the "on steroids" part that has been the most meaningful.  I can lose weight. That isn't the problem... ...there is so much more.  I challenge you to look at health differently, I know I am looking at it differently.  The Blog name needs to change.  It is not about weight anymore. It is about healthy living......one day at a time.

Never give up.

DAY 9

I thought I was worn out yesterday but today I felt like I couldn't get out of bed.  I hit the snooze 10 times and was almost late.  My mind and body were telling me to go back to bed and that nothing was worth how good sleeping was going to feel. But I got up anyway.  I ate my Eggs Benedict (without the sauce) so really it was eggs unbenedict and got my butt to the gym.  I was grouchy and so tired and I finished the workout. ALL of it with no stopping.  I didn't like it, but I did it.  Then when I went to get my after workout snack I started crying. I had felt it during the workout-the feeling of pure exhaustion and emotional rawness and I was able to hold it in, but then I couldn't anymore. I felt groggy, and a bit dizzy and I just started crying. After the trainer and nurse  checked me out, I realized I hadn't had enough water but still I was feeling drained and  just emotionally and physically exhausted.

So that is how the day went, periods of crying with me being embarrassed and not wanting to cry and periods of pushing through even when I didn't want to do anything.  I hate crying in front of people. It has always signified some sort of weakness in me.  I never mind other people crying and in my head I know it is OK.  But somehow when it is me, I hate it. I hate the attention it brings, the frustration inside of not knowing exactly how I feel and the craziness here of it happening out of the blue, seemingly. But, when you have stuffed things deep inside, all the way down to your toes for so many years, crying comes out sideways.  I feel a hurt that I don't even understand and feel an exhaustion that makes me feel like I'm in the early tipsy stages of drinking-when you just start to feel a little out of your head.  I literally sat down to lunch and started crying and couldn't stop.  Our Dietitian was sitting next to me and gently asked if I'd like to share anything. I did not, but I can't tell you the wonderful support that I got sitting with a table full of people letting me cry and assuring me they were available if I wanted to talk. I got no judgement, just a lot of understanding.  I did stop eventually but this happened several times today.

I talked to the therapist this afternoon.  A lot of stuff is coming up for me.A lot of anxiety is peeking out.   A lot of "AHA" moments, and I am realizing that while I have a lot of friends, I don't have a lot of deep connections with people who I can share my innermost feelings.  In fact, I don't feel like I am very good at that. I am trying to figure out why and I have people in my life I truly love, but maybe I haven't been able to be vulnerable because of that fear that someone will find out the true me. I'm still working through this but I know that I need to learn to connect better....to work on friendships and build relationships.

With that said, I ended my difficult day with a pedicure with two super supportive folks who helped encourage me through the day and then went to dinner with an old friend from high school.  I think it was a good start at connecting and learning to let people help me and support me.  Dang-this is way harder than I thought it would be....after all, I didn't even think anything was wrong with me!

Exhausted but owning it!

Day 8

I am exhausted!  I worked out twice as usual but added Wii Fit dancing- had my 10,000 steps by 4pm!  Went to Whole Foods today. I have never been there.  I loved the food AND learned about red light, yellow light, and green light foods.  Which are exactly what they sound like- have rarely, have sometimes, have often. 

Had a great lecture today on exercise and depression. People who exercise along with therapy and medicine do the best in outcomes studies. Exercise is really good for you!!  It's nice to learn the "why's" behind the "what's".  

Feeling more connected with people. Had a rousing game of scattergories  last night and laughed a lot!  Got invited to a few things with other folks here- which felt good---and mooned one of the other folks as well. I have trouble behaving!!!

I'm exhausted and going to bed, but I will not deny my story anymore and I guarantee you, my ending will be brave!!! Have courage ya'll and keep at it!

WARNING: RAW EMOTIONS

DAY 8:  I wrote a letter to one of my issues today and even though it was really tough I shared it in class. It is raw and emotional but true of how I feel.  Then we had self defense training and I got to punch the hell out of punching bags and kick as hard as I could. I don't feel as angry.  Lots of emotions are bubbling up that I have pushed down for a long time. It is really good, but it feels really bad at times.  I am learning and discovering and really am ready to be different in many ways. It is definitely a journey.

Dear Depression,

I want you to know that I am angry at you.  I feel like you took away a lot of years. You made me act irrational and angry and get so out of whack that I had to take medicine just to even out.  Then, I lost myself.  I know it wasn't only you, but I lost the bounce I had, the quest for a big life--I lost some of who I was in the medicine I have to take to keep me level-numb-at times without emotion because if I feel, I feel too long;  if I cry, I cry a lot; if I let the thoughts in, I can't let go.  I've  changed into someone that I don't  even know sometimes. I don't know how I feel.  I used to love hugs and affection and I still do, but I've become colder, harder, worn from life but also because I have to deal with you and the medicine.  I tried not to treat you . I'm so stable I tried to let the meds go, but you wouldn't let me. You made my mind crazy. You made me irrational and irritable and the crying was too much. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think. I was panicking and the anxiety was overwhelming. I couldn't complete the responsibilities I had taken on under the reigns of medication. So I went back so that I could function-you let me down. I thought we were past that.

You are always gonna be there.  My mind won't ever be right without meds and I was so young when I started that I often wonder who I would have been without them. Would I struggle with my self image, my self worth?  Why do I always compare?  I have joy for others but wonder what I did that wasn't good enough to get the prize, award, recognition, honor-only to realize when I do get it I feel like a fraud because I don't deserve it.  I always feel like I'm gonna be found out-I'm not really as smart, not really as good a therapist, faking my relationships because I so desperately want to feel connected. And then I get rejected again and the numbness can't cover the pain and the feelings are raw but the same illness that causes the out of whack emotions also causes the numbness.

How will I ever defeat you? I cant.  You are a part of me that will never let go. I am angry at you-very, very angry.  Don't try to make me feel better because I want to be angry at you-at what you have taken from me-what I will never have because of you and angry that you now may have my children in your grasp. I didn't want them to have to feel your crushing effects but I can't save them. I hate you for that and I won't forgive you. I wish you would go away forever, but I know I will wake up tomorrow and take my twenty milligrams and numb out again because I can't live without that and I don't know any different.

Debbie

3 good things and poop and pee!

Day 7

I just had a massage-part of the program is massages every couple weeks. It was nice and much needed for my calves that were on the verge of exploding from pain!  Anyway-feeling quite relaxed and really was a good day.  What made it a good day you may ask?  Well a couple things:

1.  I have exercised twice a day for 6 days straight and lived to tell about it.  For me, that is a big deal. I don't think I have continually exercised that many days straight my whole life. And, for the record, the workouts are not easy.  They consist of rowing and doing laps on stairs and medicine ball slams and today I got to hit a big tire with a sledge hammer (one of my favorites so far!!)  I sweat like a pig and usually have to talk to myself and close my eyes to get through the last 5 reps of anything!!!

2.  The dietitian I am working with (who happens to be incredible BTW) pulled me out of class today to have one of our sessions and I was able to totally open up (and cry.....NOT comfortable).  Who would have thought that a dietitian would help me to cry and work out some issues?  We talked about some things surrounding eating that I have never put together and I said some things out loud that I have never said out loud....like-I do have binging behaviors, just probably never had the time to hone the craft---AND--I had some bad messages about eating growing up that I had never attached to my current eating patterns--AND--I have some really awful self image problems that I have never really dealt with before now.  I honestly can never remember not feeling fat-my whole life.  I'll have to show pictures of me as a kid. I was definitely very typical kid size but the messages I got from a horrible bully was that I was a big fatso and as a 6 year old kid-I believed it.  I have lived with that for way too long.  

3. In one of our groups today, I learned about what my definition of success is and how it can be so different from your families of origin. Contentment is what I personally long for in life. To appreciate who I am and where I am and what I am doing--- but I often feel that I am always in the quest for that and have never really found it.  I want to find that contentment, in myself and with my family and be OK everyday with where I am.

Definitely a journey.  Smiled and laughed a lot today. Oh- we also talked about poop and pee--I don't care how old you are, that always brings on lots of laughter!!!  So, I would challenge everyone who reads this to do some thinking about what success means to you and whether or not you are doing everything you can every day to make it there..............

Sadness and Soreness

Day 5 and Still Alive

Totally forgot to blog yesterday!  As you can see, from the pic of my fit bit on the left, I was focused on getting all my steps in.  Today is on the right, and does not count the half hour I was treading water and laps in the pool.  And yes, I am very tired today.  My calves (calfs?) hurt super bad and are very tight and the rest of me is just worn down.  I fatigued doing overhead presses today with 8# weights.  I did the reps but it was HARD.  And I feel down today.  I'm trying to process it because one thing you learn in a treatment place is to process your feelings. So in the next paragraph I am gonna try to break down what I'm feeling.

First of all, I get on the sad side when I am tired and when I am away from my family so that plays a part. Next, in group sessions here, we are talking about REAL issues-of which I didn't think I really had many. I mean, I have issues as we all do, but I really thought I had gotten through most of mine BUT  I have never dealt with food as an issue.  Today we touched on binge eating-which I of course thought I never did. However, as I learn more about it, I definitely have tendencies in that area and although not as severe as some folks, it has definitely hurt my overall health and wellness. 

I also realized that I still have some emotional things rolling around in my head.  We talked today about what was going on in our lives three years ago and how it affected us today.  Also about guilt and shame and messages we hear that have affected us.  Three years ago I was dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever faced. I was falsely accused of fraud by an employee and underwent a two month investigation which was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I also realized that I do feel inadequate sometimes and that there are still some self image problems I have that I have stuffed down deep inside.  I think I am really good at stuffing things down deep inside and not dealing with them...EVER.  I know major depression is a disease but I keep thinking that with medication and counseling I am better and in a lot of ways I am, but it is a disease. I will have to deal with it my whole life AND even with medication, I see things through a different lens.  I keep very busy with other people and things so I don't have to deal with my own things.  I don't take care of me-in a lot of ways, but I think I have really  learned to not deal with my feelings on a lot of things because it is to hard to feel them.  

Anyway- I am embracing the sadness, the realization that I am not as unbroken as I thought and that I can and will learn new strategies and am beginning an even bigger adventure.  The group has been really supportive of the tears, the sad, the soreness, and encouraging BUT as is always the case with me, I feel like an outsider.  My mind just is a weird puzzle.  

I'm writing early because I know that after dinner I will crash.....my mind and body are exhausted but my spirit is well.  Thanks for taking the time to read and I cant tell you how encouraging it is to see that folks are taking the time to view this and to journey with me.

I learned what AMRAP means---Do you??

Day 4-As many reps as possible (AMRAP)

I have officially made it to the fourth day.  See all that stuff on the board behind me?  I did that plus two reps of a strengthening program-almost two total hours before 10 am.  Yes-this is me, Debbie who normally sleeps til at least 9 on Saturday and then spends the next two hours drinking coffee!!!! I did it and I was able to still talk through it and I DID NOT DIE!  I was really hurting running up the stairs--(OK let me be totally honest-it was more of a saunter)---but I did a lot of self talk and made it. I was a sweaty stinky mess but so was everybody else and I was excited I was able to complete everything.  It felt like quite an accomplishment today.  Most everything I did I can keep doing and about half of it were things I can do at home without even going to a gym.  I did take ibuprofen when I got back and took a two hour nap-----BUT change is slow so this is only day 4..right???  And just by the way, I did not feel one bit guilty about my nap!

I talked to all my kiddos and hubby today and guess what-they are all doing fine without me there.  I knew they would but I used them as an excuse for a long time to not come here.  I think I use them as the main excuse to not take care of me. It is good to see them happy and well taken care of and that they can make it without me.  Not that they would want to and not that I would want to be without them but I think I can take a little more time for me and they will make it.  

Anyway-enough deep thoughts for tonight. I am gonna try to make it through a movie and then to bed!  I have exercise early in the AM!!!!

Crying IS NOT bad!!!! I know.

Cuddling with Beary!!  Day 3

Lucy gave me Beary to sleep with and I think I will tonight!  It is the first time I have been away from my husband on our anniversary so I feel like I need to snuggle with someone!  Today was a good day.

A little tough getting up early....well early for me. I have to be down for breakfast by 7am and on to exercise by 8am.  I got fitness tested today and the results back from my blood-work.  The fitness test went pretty well. I was able to do squats and row and move pretty well and will start doing full workouts tomorrow.  All my blood-work is all clear. I am in good shape and my woman's multivitamin apparently has been doing a good job of keeping all my numbers in check.  So I am perfectly healthy and no reason to have weight gain except me.  

I shared in group today for the first time.  It was hard.  I didn't say a lot but I felt like I needed to say something so that I could really be a part of the group instead of just a bystander. I cried a bit.  I don't like crying-it makes me feel weak and embarrassed but when I am highly stressed, angry or super nervous I do it.  I shared how I'm having some difficulty with the needing help part of the program. I'm used to taking care of people and fixing things and as people went around the room and shared, I felt like I knew some things that could help all of them.....but couldn't quite figure out where I fit into the getting help part.  At lunch we had to talk about our feelings before and after eating and that was tough for me. I'm not real in touch with the feeling part of myself.  They had a hundred faces of different feelings you could be feeling and I came up with  "good".  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about everything. I laughed a lot this morning during exercise which was fun and we had a good group that talked about how our posture (power postures in particular) can actually increase your testosterone and decrease your stress producing hormone and actually help you to be more confident. (Really interesting implications-especially for teachers-TED talk by Amy Cuddy if you want to look it up).   

One thing I do know is that I am physically sore after the afternoon workout--I learned how to use a medicine ball and a rowing machine!  I know that ibuprofen will be my best friend by tomorrow and I know that I can make change and I will make change.  That, I know for sure.

Being the patient is hard.

DAY 2

The organic farm!

I feel super tired tonight so this wont be a long entry.  I realized a big part of the "not fitting in" and "not belonging" was really that I am not used to being in the role of being helped. I am the clinician not the patient. It feels funny to sit in a group and not be the leader or facilitator.  It makes it a little hard and honestly, it is a little humbling.  I don't want to be the one with a problem. I want to feel like I have it all together-that I don't need help-and I can do it on my own.  Guess what-I have a problem and I need help and I can't do it on my own. I have been trying it that way my whole life.  I need help and I want help and I think I can get that help here.

I do wish that I could see people's heart's first thing when I saw them. If size and color and gender could all be invisible and you could just see someone's heart and what they were feeling and who they were.  All those things that define us that should not define us.  It gives us preconceived notions of people and I fall into that trap too. I like to be open minded and fair and genuine but sometimes my mind falls into the trap of assumptions and stereotypes.

I learned today that a larger percentage of  kids in disadvantaged areas are obese, often due to poor food choices based on location and finances.  The organic farm pictured above provides fresh vegetables to distressed areas but also helps to teach kids how to eat better and how to grow their own food.  It was a neat fieldtrip and I love plants so seeing how they grow them with no pesticides and with natural plants that repel or attract the right kinds of insects was super cool.

Long day- ready for bed.  More learning and workouts tomorrow. I think I'm ready.

Control, Kale and TMI...DAY 1 FitRx

Day1

So, I'm here.  My mom and sister in law brought me this morning and dropped me off right around 10 am.  I have to say my stomach was in my throat as I walked in the door.  I didn't sleep great last night thinking about this today and honestly I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of how much control was going to be taken away.  I know I can be a bit "in charge" but I never thought of myself as controlling until I saw the meal schedule and schedule of classes and groups.  Then I felt totally like I was about to be out of control of my day.  Not that it is a bad thing but it is just a bit overwhelming.

I met with the counselor, the nurse, the nurse practitioner, psychiatrist and the intake person.  A lot of the questions are exactly what one would expect but a lot more food related than I have ever thought about.  For instance, "What has been your life experience with food?"  I really had never thought about that.  My life experience with food-I pretty much eat it if it is there.  If it is chips and dip I eat a lot......sweets are OK but give me salty any day!  I went through my sleep habits, my thoughts on food, and how I think about food, tragic things that have happened in my life.  Talked a lot about my depression and how that affects my daily routine.  Cried a little talking about when my Dad died.  I felt especially vulnerable today. I haven't felt like that in a long time.  Telling someone your whole life history who you barely know is hard even for ME who has a TMI problem!

All the staff was great and very warm.  I went to two groups today with the other clients/patients/people here and they were pleasant.  I wouldn't say warm or friendly but pleasant. I didn't really connect with anyone which worries me a bit as I typically connect pretty quickly.  In a way I felt a little out of place-as most folks have been here at least a week already. And, some of the folks you could tell had a lot going on issues wise and there was some hangry going on and some complaining. I mean I get it-life change is hard-I may be there soon.  I have a tendency to be very cynical as most of you know who have read my blog for any period of time.  Also no one really introduced me so I just was kind of sitting there sometimes and maybe they were wondering about me.....anyway----it is just day 1!  I will make it through!

One of the groups was about choices we make in life and one was a cooking group.  The first one felt odd as I did not really know the people I was in group with BUT we did not have to talk much and I got called out to see the NP right before it was my turn to speak---that was a close one! At the second group, I tried toasted Kale with Ranch seasoning and it was actually pretty dang good.  I tried a spinach, chia seed, banana, agave smoothie and it was NOT GOOD.  The lunch and dinner were good and healthy and I had plenty and there are two snacks so no starvation going on here thank goodness!  My mom was afraid there would only be celery!

I didn't work out today. This is scary to say outloud but I was a bit disappointed as I really wanted to get in there and get moving BUT--I got an EKG and blood work done so clearly my safety is important.  That was a relief!  I do hope to get moving more tomorrow which it sounds like I will as I meet with the fitness trainer.  We also go to an organic farm and go out to eat for lunch tomorrow as they try to teach us how to eat out in a more healthy way.

So I have books to read and sleep to get before the early morning breakfast (which I hear is egg whites and plain greek yogurt :(.  Anyway-tired and heading to bed as I need a good sleep for day 2.

I'm leaving!

I'm leaving. Yep-it's time to start the next chapter of my life.  I'm going to do it. Sometimes you have to do something that scares you a little to make a BIG life change.

On June 10 I will be entering FitRX for 2 weeks. I have been given the awesome opportunity by a good friend, Michael Cartwright, CEO of FitRX.  He encouraged me to come for as long as I could and asked me to blog about it daily. When I asked him what it was like, he said, "think of it as biggest loser on steroids!" (Fitrxbrentwood.com). I was initially super excited. I still am...just the closer it actually gets, my social anxiety begins to creep in.

Let me go through my list of "what if's"-

-what if I don't like anyone there

-or worse what if no one likes me

-what if I don't fit in

-what if I can't physically do what they ask me to do

-what if I miss my family too much

-what if I get emotional a lot and cry

-what if I'm hungry

-what if I don't change......

And the list could go on.  I know in my head this stuff is silly but it's hard to get that through to my heart sometimes. It feels like going to the first day of junior high.  

I also feel guilt....for leaving my children and husband, for not going to see family with my time off, for taking off work, for doing something just for me when so many other people need things.  

So there- it's out! I've spent this whole week mulling over all those things in my head and talking them out with friends and family and I think I'm moving back to excited. I really have never done anything just for me for that long in my whole life. It's a great time to start....a little worried about what the voices in my mind will be telling me without all the distractions but I think I'm ready to listen, and to change.