Life just sucks sometimes....

I think that's what makes it life!!!! So I have gone silent for some time. Mainly trying to figure out how to make this whole "life change" thing work in real life. It is HARD!!! But, no one ever said life would be easy AND the variables are mainly in my control unlike folks dealing with diseases that take control away. 

With all that said, I've had mostly great days....my immediate family is super supportive....my kids even drink water regularly now!  My husband eats fish every week---tofu is a menu regular and meatless days feel no different than regular days!!! I only drink water and coffee( but only a cup or two a day)!  I exercise almost every day and on the days I don't do formal exercise I take waaaaay more steps than I used to take. I eat the wrong stuff sometimes(-fractured prune coming to the neighborhood =NOT GOOD!!!) but when I overeat it's like 2 whole donuts instead of two bites!!! Like I don't eat the whole dozen--which I easily could!  

This past week has been a hard one for me---life stresses have gotten me out of my routines---fear begins to overcome me....am I gonna go back to how I used to be??? I have always stopped doing what's right related to eating and exercise and that fear is always there. But, it feels a little different this time. I'm not on a diet so I can't stop it, I'd have to stop all the changes I've made...that may be harder than just moving forward.  I think part of it is depression rearing its ugly head. As the weather gets cooler, less sunshine and earlier sun down, a gloom sometimes sets over me. Mix that with normal life stress and depression makes you feel like the bottom of the world is dropping out. I know it isn't in my brain,but my heart feels the pain as if it is.  

Just wanted to get all that outta my head.  Love someone today who needs love, show grace to a mom who has a tough kid to raise, forgive someone who doesn't deserve to be forgiven AND most of all, love the person you are----warts and all!!!

Back to the real world!

So, even though emotionally the two weeks I spent at FitRX were difficult, the rest was really pampering for a Mom.  A maid cleaned my room and made my bed, my sheets were changed for me, the towels were always fresh, my meals were all prepared by a chef and I got to watch what I wanted and do what I wanted when I wanted after my days were done.  Yeah-so I had kinda forgotten that home was gonna be waiting for me just as I left it, if not a little worse.  I got the biggest hugs ever from my family BUT (think of the Jaws theme in your head now)-there were stacks of mail, the house was just a messy as I left it, the children fought on the way home from the airport and apparently the maid (haha) forgot to make my bed!!  It was good to be home but for some reason, every time I leave I imagine that some clean fairy will jump into my husbands body and clean everything spotlessly and have a gourmet meal on the table and all the children will sit around me like on Leave it to Beaver and talk about how wonderful life is!!!  HA HA HA!  Never will happen. But, it was nice to be back to my normal.

I made it through the airport with packed snacks!  I answered all the questions I could on the trip to the airport with family.  Got home at about 10 ish and had to make a meal because the flight and times did not all coordinate with my set snack and meal schedule. But-I ate good portions, ate healthy and wasn't starving.  The next morning I got up and ate a good breakfast, ready to go back to work and then the babysitter fell through and I go through it-not happily but quickly and had a great day. I went to Trader Joes and shopped. Went to Wegmans and shopped-got good healthy food and spent what I normally spend a week on groceries-small miracle!  I have a plan for food and I have been following it.  It is definitely harder at home.  I am still learning the carb and protein snack combos for better satisfaction and my eldest daughter has (not so lovingly) described my explanations as very Mr. Rogers Neighborhoody!!!  They keep adding reeses pieces and other chocolate delights to the carb side of my snack chart!  But, I was able to eat my healthier snacks while they ate chocolate chip cookies, not because I was depriving myself, but because I really feel better when I eat and carb/protein mix.  The whole "no chips in the house for a month til I get better control over eating" went out the window on day one when they whipped out chips and salsa BUT I was OK--the rotel was a bit harder but I could have had some if I wanted but I really wanted something else more so I ate it instead.  So it is the food dance I must learn!

Exercise has been good. I have done something everyday. Thirty minutes a day was my first goal and I have well exceeded that.  While we watch shows I have been doing sets of crunches, ab exercises, squats etc during commercials. The kids enjoy it-either doing it with me or laughing at me as I grunt and sweat!! On Sunday, Lucy and I biked to the park, played together and biked back and I played--I was not standing on the sidelines. The kids are loving this improved version of me!  We biked 4 miles today to the grocery store to look for fireworks.  I was not aware of the long distance and did not google map it before I went.  This is my children's second significant bike ride-the first being 2.5 total miles. So yeah-there was a lot of "I can't make it" and " my legs hurt" and then the kids, they were grouchy too! But we did make it and we were super proud and now have fireworks to set off tonight!

So yeah-all in all, it is good to be home.  It is hard getting all the stuff in but I have to do it to make life better for me.....and for my family. My children ate a whole wheat sandwich with sprouts on it today and LIKED it!  They said the sprouts tasted like lettuce and beans!  They ate mac and cheese with spinach in it-well Lucy did.  They love the fruit infused water and they are trying some things they never have before.  I haven't tried Kale yet--don't have high hopes---but ya never know, Right?

Planks, mexican food and goodbyes

DAY 14

It was my last day!  I did a one minute and six second plank!  I stopped eating Mexican food at lunch when I felt satisfied instead of eating the whole plate!  If you've never struggled with diet or exercise these things may seem small, but they were huge to me.  I did all this with a group of people who are struggling with similar issues who never wavered from encouraging, positive words that kept me going.  I came in thinking that I didn't belong, that I didn't and wouldn't fit in and I am leaving with a group of people that I have come to respect and feel super connected to in many ways.  I feel anxious about continuing but I have the tools, I just have to use them.  I have a relapse plan, and a plan for staying healthy and in tune with me.  I also have the numbers and names of the people who helped me and of the people who were with me through this life changing two weeks.  One day at a time. I know I can do it, I want to do it, but change is hard -----I can't be like I was anymore or I will never be different.  I am getting up early tomorrow to go finish up my discharge and do morning exercise before I leave and say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.    

One more day and imperfection

Day 13-On my way home from workout squenched between two buddies and not smelling great.

I can't believe I only have one more day.  I feel like I have gone from feeling disconnected to very connected with a small group of people in a small amount of time.  I feel scared in a way going home but strangely at peace with that feeling.  Did you notice how many times I said "feel"????  This is a very good thing.  Today even started out with sleeping in (and I was quite frustrated with that-missing breakfast, late for exercise) but then someone super important called and needed me for a minute.  I stopped what I was doing, sat on the floor and lived in the  moment.  I paid attention to the call, was OK with being late, and felt like it was a blessing because I got to talk to that person with my undivided attention.  I think in therapist speak that is "re-framing" but in regular old me speak, it is just feeling OK with where I am at the moment.  I am feeling OK with where I am-really OK.

I have to do a menu tonight and a grocery list to go over with the dietitian. I'm meeting with the trainer tomorrow to go over my fitness plan. I'm getting my blood drawn again and then I will weigh in on Thursday.  I have a lot to do. I feel anxious but "good" anxious-"proud" anxious and "completed something big anxious"---like "the day before you graduate from something" anxious.  This is a really big deal for me. I did this totally because I needed it.  I stuck it out even when it was hard and I feel so much better on this side. So, in all honesty, I am a little scared-normal scared I think.  I worry that I wont be able to implement all the things I have learned, afraid I am going to do too much too soon and then end up getting burnt out or overwhelmed and giving up.  A little scared that my family may not understand some of the changes and may not want to give me the room I need to grow healthy.  I have set goals, I have made lists, I have talked extensively to my husband who, bless his heart, puts up with all my extremeness and I know that I am going to mess up but for the first time in a long time, I am OK with that. 

I am on a journey. I am imperfect.  I have dimples in my thighs. My eyebrows grow eyebrows if I don't get them done regularly.  I have overeaten a lot in the past and minimized it.  I am not always put together and don't know how to match clothes well.  I have more than one chin right now.  My butt will always be bigger than the average bear.  I will always live with the hurt that being a teenage mom brought.  I will live with pain from my past that at times will hurt more than other times. I will cry in front of others sometimes and maybe even at work.  I have a strong faith but ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I grunt and sometimes I yell and sometimes I sing loudly (and not good) during workouts.  I can't see without my glasses and I cant wear contacts anymore but glasses make my eyes look bigger (someone told me that today and that is how I know.)  I will always share too much information and be inappropriate without knowing it or feeling that it was.  I will always hug big and put my heart out there even though that hurts sometimes.  All of this is part of me and no one can be like me or take me away from me.  I will learn to love me for exactly who I am all the time.  After all, I'm the only me there is, I can't change that.

I will take time for me (and not feel guilty)!!!

Day 12

I realized today that this is the first time in my whole life, as an adult, that I have spent more than a few days away from my family (not work related.) I have not had much time in my life to think about or do things for myself, especially as important as this.  It has been hard to be away, but I think it was a much needed time.  While I have missed my family, I have really embraced the opportunity to be here and work on myself.  I have been absolutely OK alone.  If I am being totally honest, it has been a bit of a mind and kid vacation!  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but my kids are physically on me and emotionally need me ALL THE TIME.  Having a break from that that was also filled with physical and emotional health was something I didn't even know I needed. It did take a village though to get away.  My oldest daughter is helping at home with my youngest and my son is travelling visiting relatives in Tennessee and Arkansas.  I had to ask for rides from the airport, ask for help with my daughter while I was gone and with my son while he traveled to different relatives homes. It was hard to ask for help and my family loves to help. I just don't like to ask.

Why is it that asking for help is so hard?  For me, I think I don't want anyone to know that I struggle or need someone else.  It is a vulnerable place to be to ask someone for something and then if they say no, there is that sense of rejection that can feel really bad.  I think part of my issue with taking care of myself is not asking for help when I need it.  Some days I need to get away, and some days I need to take a bath and that needs to be OK.  In all honesty, I think my family would be fine with it but I think it is more my head that isn't.  I feel the mother guilt, the wife guilt, the guilt of not getting all the things done in the house or whatever else needs to be done. Taking care of myself was not a part of my upbringing and it is strange and feels funny to do something for myself in lieu of taking care of someone else.  I am a great caretaker-at work and at home but I am a lousy takecareofmyselfer!  I am gonna work on that everyday.  Nutrition and exercise and emotional health are part of taking care of me.  I have to do things different from now on.  I can't fall back in the traps.
I have to make changes and I will.  

Oh-one more thing I forgot to say yesterday, I did a 49 second plank!!!! (See pic above.) I thought I may die but I pushed through and did it. I have never sweated so hard for absolutely being still. Planks hurt.

Biggest Loser and name changes

DAY 11

Thinking a lot about home today. Missing my family (pictured above) in all their wonderfulness and weirdness!  And thinking of home, got me thinking about change and what I need to change.  I wrote down a lot of goals today. A balanced list of goals, as I don't want to overwhelm myself or my family with sudden change.  I know sudden change doesn't work....I've done that too many times.  What works is lifestyle changes. That's what I really like about this program. I want to talk a little about that as I feel I've done a lot of talking about my emotions but not how I got to them.

"Biggest Loser on steroids" was a brief description Michael gave me.  It is so much more than weight loss but I don't think I was ready to hear that in the beginning.  I wanted to get healthy but as you can see from the name of the Blog, it was primarily measured through weight loss.  But what I didn't understand (nor could I fully understand from explanation verbally) was how much more than weight loss a journey to health is in reality.  I go to 2 hours of exercise a day and 5 hours of classes.  Groups on mindfulness, nutrition, proper footwear, healthy cooking techniques, process groups, interpersonal skills...just to name a few.  There are fitness trainers here-3 really good ones who also understand the other stuff that goes into exercise; Nurse and Nurse practitioners-3 who both understand the emotional and physical side of health; 3 counselors and a program director who totally get the bigger picture of health and how that interacts with emotions; and then there are 2 Registered Dietitians who really understand eating and reality.  Everything is real here.  I was honest with everyone and they were honest too.  When I told the Dietitian that the reality was that I was not going to get organic eggs, she was OK with that. She then talked about what I could realistically do to make our eating healthier-like adding more vegetables and fruit to our daily diet.  The Nurse practitioner-Rex-sat down and had the best and most real conversation about my journey and tips for the future.  Every single person here understands all sides of the puzzle--they are all there for different pieces but they do a darn good job of fill in for therapy when someone needs encouragement.  And one of the things that really impressed me was that the Clinic Director (usually in clinics this is the one with the name on the book and on the website that you never see) leads two groups a week AND he makes stuff that was so far over my head understandable. And, lastly but definitely not least, are the other folks in the program--who become a life line.  This week I have laughed harder than I have in a long time (and cried longer too) and I have texted someone when I was having a weak moment and needed a quick lifeline.  I have had folks take me to the store and back and forth from the hotel to the facility and every single one here has touched my life in a meaningful way.  So yes, it is Biggest Loser on steroids but the thing I have realized is that it isn't the weight loss that is the important thing, it is the other stuff-the "on steroids" part that has been the most meaningful.  I can lose weight. That isn't the problem... ...there is so much more.  I challenge you to look at health differently, I know I am looking at it differently.  The Blog name needs to change.  It is not about weight anymore. It is about healthy living......one day at a time.

Never give up.

DAY 9

I thought I was worn out yesterday but today I felt like I couldn't get out of bed.  I hit the snooze 10 times and was almost late.  My mind and body were telling me to go back to bed and that nothing was worth how good sleeping was going to feel. But I got up anyway.  I ate my Eggs Benedict (without the sauce) so really it was eggs unbenedict and got my butt to the gym.  I was grouchy and so tired and I finished the workout. ALL of it with no stopping.  I didn't like it, but I did it.  Then when I went to get my after workout snack I started crying. I had felt it during the workout-the feeling of pure exhaustion and emotional rawness and I was able to hold it in, but then I couldn't anymore. I felt groggy, and a bit dizzy and I just started crying. After the trainer and nurse  checked me out, I realized I hadn't had enough water but still I was feeling drained and  just emotionally and physically exhausted.

So that is how the day went, periods of crying with me being embarrassed and not wanting to cry and periods of pushing through even when I didn't want to do anything.  I hate crying in front of people. It has always signified some sort of weakness in me.  I never mind other people crying and in my head I know it is OK.  But somehow when it is me, I hate it. I hate the attention it brings, the frustration inside of not knowing exactly how I feel and the craziness here of it happening out of the blue, seemingly. But, when you have stuffed things deep inside, all the way down to your toes for so many years, crying comes out sideways.  I feel a hurt that I don't even understand and feel an exhaustion that makes me feel like I'm in the early tipsy stages of drinking-when you just start to feel a little out of your head.  I literally sat down to lunch and started crying and couldn't stop.  Our Dietitian was sitting next to me and gently asked if I'd like to share anything. I did not, but I can't tell you the wonderful support that I got sitting with a table full of people letting me cry and assuring me they were available if I wanted to talk. I got no judgement, just a lot of understanding.  I did stop eventually but this happened several times today.

I talked to the therapist this afternoon.  A lot of stuff is coming up for me.A lot of anxiety is peeking out.   A lot of "AHA" moments, and I am realizing that while I have a lot of friends, I don't have a lot of deep connections with people who I can share my innermost feelings.  In fact, I don't feel like I am very good at that. I am trying to figure out why and I have people in my life I truly love, but maybe I haven't been able to be vulnerable because of that fear that someone will find out the true me. I'm still working through this but I know that I need to learn to connect better....to work on friendships and build relationships.

With that said, I ended my difficult day with a pedicure with two super supportive folks who helped encourage me through the day and then went to dinner with an old friend from high school.  I think it was a good start at connecting and learning to let people help me and support me.  Dang-this is way harder than I thought it would be....after all, I didn't even think anything was wrong with me!