Planks, mexican food and goodbyes

DAY 14

It was my last day!  I did a one minute and six second plank!  I stopped eating Mexican food at lunch when I felt satisfied instead of eating the whole plate!  If you've never struggled with diet or exercise these things may seem small, but they were huge to me.  I did all this with a group of people who are struggling with similar issues who never wavered from encouraging, positive words that kept me going.  I came in thinking that I didn't belong, that I didn't and wouldn't fit in and I am leaving with a group of people that I have come to respect and feel super connected to in many ways.  I feel anxious about continuing but I have the tools, I just have to use them.  I have a relapse plan, and a plan for staying healthy and in tune with me.  I also have the numbers and names of the people who helped me and of the people who were with me through this life changing two weeks.  One day at a time. I know I can do it, I want to do it, but change is hard -----I can't be like I was anymore or I will never be different.  I am getting up early tomorrow to go finish up my discharge and do morning exercise before I leave and say goodbye. I hate goodbyes.    

One more day and imperfection

Day 13-On my way home from workout squenched between two buddies and not smelling great.

I can't believe I only have one more day.  I feel like I have gone from feeling disconnected to very connected with a small group of people in a small amount of time.  I feel scared in a way going home but strangely at peace with that feeling.  Did you notice how many times I said "feel"????  This is a very good thing.  Today even started out with sleeping in (and I was quite frustrated with that-missing breakfast, late for exercise) but then someone super important called and needed me for a minute.  I stopped what I was doing, sat on the floor and lived in the  moment.  I paid attention to the call, was OK with being late, and felt like it was a blessing because I got to talk to that person with my undivided attention.  I think in therapist speak that is "re-framing" but in regular old me speak, it is just feeling OK with where I am at the moment.  I am feeling OK with where I am-really OK.

I have to do a menu tonight and a grocery list to go over with the dietitian. I'm meeting with the trainer tomorrow to go over my fitness plan. I'm getting my blood drawn again and then I will weigh in on Thursday.  I have a lot to do. I feel anxious but "good" anxious-"proud" anxious and "completed something big anxious"---like "the day before you graduate from something" anxious.  This is a really big deal for me. I did this totally because I needed it.  I stuck it out even when it was hard and I feel so much better on this side. So, in all honesty, I am a little scared-normal scared I think.  I worry that I wont be able to implement all the things I have learned, afraid I am going to do too much too soon and then end up getting burnt out or overwhelmed and giving up.  A little scared that my family may not understand some of the changes and may not want to give me the room I need to grow healthy.  I have set goals, I have made lists, I have talked extensively to my husband who, bless his heart, puts up with all my extremeness and I know that I am going to mess up but for the first time in a long time, I am OK with that. 

I am on a journey. I am imperfect.  I have dimples in my thighs. My eyebrows grow eyebrows if I don't get them done regularly.  I have overeaten a lot in the past and minimized it.  I am not always put together and don't know how to match clothes well.  I have more than one chin right now.  My butt will always be bigger than the average bear.  I will always live with the hurt that being a teenage mom brought.  I will live with pain from my past that at times will hurt more than other times. I will cry in front of others sometimes and maybe even at work.  I have a strong faith but ask a lot of questions. Sometimes I grunt and sometimes I yell and sometimes I sing loudly (and not good) during workouts.  I can't see without my glasses and I cant wear contacts anymore but glasses make my eyes look bigger (someone told me that today and that is how I know.)  I will always share too much information and be inappropriate without knowing it or feeling that it was.  I will always hug big and put my heart out there even though that hurts sometimes.  All of this is part of me and no one can be like me or take me away from me.  I will learn to love me for exactly who I am all the time.  After all, I'm the only me there is, I can't change that.

I will take time for me (and not feel guilty)!!!

Day 12

I realized today that this is the first time in my whole life, as an adult, that I have spent more than a few days away from my family (not work related.) I have not had much time in my life to think about or do things for myself, especially as important as this.  It has been hard to be away, but I think it was a much needed time.  While I have missed my family, I have really embraced the opportunity to be here and work on myself.  I have been absolutely OK alone.  If I am being totally honest, it has been a bit of a mind and kid vacation!  Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but my kids are physically on me and emotionally need me ALL THE TIME.  Having a break from that that was also filled with physical and emotional health was something I didn't even know I needed. It did take a village though to get away.  My oldest daughter is helping at home with my youngest and my son is travelling visiting relatives in Tennessee and Arkansas.  I had to ask for rides from the airport, ask for help with my daughter while I was gone and with my son while he traveled to different relatives homes. It was hard to ask for help and my family loves to help. I just don't like to ask.

Why is it that asking for help is so hard?  For me, I think I don't want anyone to know that I struggle or need someone else.  It is a vulnerable place to be to ask someone for something and then if they say no, there is that sense of rejection that can feel really bad.  I think part of my issue with taking care of myself is not asking for help when I need it.  Some days I need to get away, and some days I need to take a bath and that needs to be OK.  In all honesty, I think my family would be fine with it but I think it is more my head that isn't.  I feel the mother guilt, the wife guilt, the guilt of not getting all the things done in the house or whatever else needs to be done. Taking care of myself was not a part of my upbringing and it is strange and feels funny to do something for myself in lieu of taking care of someone else.  I am a great caretaker-at work and at home but I am a lousy takecareofmyselfer!  I am gonna work on that everyday.  Nutrition and exercise and emotional health are part of taking care of me.  I have to do things different from now on.  I can't fall back in the traps.
I have to make changes and I will.  

Oh-one more thing I forgot to say yesterday, I did a 49 second plank!!!! (See pic above.) I thought I may die but I pushed through and did it. I have never sweated so hard for absolutely being still. Planks hurt.

Biggest Loser and name changes

DAY 11

Thinking a lot about home today. Missing my family (pictured above) in all their wonderfulness and weirdness!  And thinking of home, got me thinking about change and what I need to change.  I wrote down a lot of goals today. A balanced list of goals, as I don't want to overwhelm myself or my family with sudden change.  I know sudden change doesn't work....I've done that too many times.  What works is lifestyle changes. That's what I really like about this program. I want to talk a little about that as I feel I've done a lot of talking about my emotions but not how I got to them.

"Biggest Loser on steroids" was a brief description Michael gave me.  It is so much more than weight loss but I don't think I was ready to hear that in the beginning.  I wanted to get healthy but as you can see from the name of the Blog, it was primarily measured through weight loss.  But what I didn't understand (nor could I fully understand from explanation verbally) was how much more than weight loss a journey to health is in reality.  I go to 2 hours of exercise a day and 5 hours of classes.  Groups on mindfulness, nutrition, proper footwear, healthy cooking techniques, process groups, interpersonal skills...just to name a few.  There are fitness trainers here-3 really good ones who also understand the other stuff that goes into exercise; Nurse and Nurse practitioners-3 who both understand the emotional and physical side of health; 3 counselors and a program director who totally get the bigger picture of health and how that interacts with emotions; and then there are 2 Registered Dietitians who really understand eating and reality.  Everything is real here.  I was honest with everyone and they were honest too.  When I told the Dietitian that the reality was that I was not going to get organic eggs, she was OK with that. She then talked about what I could realistically do to make our eating healthier-like adding more vegetables and fruit to our daily diet.  The Nurse practitioner-Rex-sat down and had the best and most real conversation about my journey and tips for the future.  Every single person here understands all sides of the puzzle--they are all there for different pieces but they do a darn good job of fill in for therapy when someone needs encouragement.  And one of the things that really impressed me was that the Clinic Director (usually in clinics this is the one with the name on the book and on the website that you never see) leads two groups a week AND he makes stuff that was so far over my head understandable. And, lastly but definitely not least, are the other folks in the program--who become a life line.  This week I have laughed harder than I have in a long time (and cried longer too) and I have texted someone when I was having a weak moment and needed a quick lifeline.  I have had folks take me to the store and back and forth from the hotel to the facility and every single one here has touched my life in a meaningful way.  So yes, it is Biggest Loser on steroids but the thing I have realized is that it isn't the weight loss that is the important thing, it is the other stuff-the "on steroids" part that has been the most meaningful.  I can lose weight. That isn't the problem... ...there is so much more.  I challenge you to look at health differently, I know I am looking at it differently.  The Blog name needs to change.  It is not about weight anymore. It is about healthy living......one day at a time.

Never give up.

DAY 9

I thought I was worn out yesterday but today I felt like I couldn't get out of bed.  I hit the snooze 10 times and was almost late.  My mind and body were telling me to go back to bed and that nothing was worth how good sleeping was going to feel. But I got up anyway.  I ate my Eggs Benedict (without the sauce) so really it was eggs unbenedict and got my butt to the gym.  I was grouchy and so tired and I finished the workout. ALL of it with no stopping.  I didn't like it, but I did it.  Then when I went to get my after workout snack I started crying. I had felt it during the workout-the feeling of pure exhaustion and emotional rawness and I was able to hold it in, but then I couldn't anymore. I felt groggy, and a bit dizzy and I just started crying. After the trainer and nurse  checked me out, I realized I hadn't had enough water but still I was feeling drained and  just emotionally and physically exhausted.

So that is how the day went, periods of crying with me being embarrassed and not wanting to cry and periods of pushing through even when I didn't want to do anything.  I hate crying in front of people. It has always signified some sort of weakness in me.  I never mind other people crying and in my head I know it is OK.  But somehow when it is me, I hate it. I hate the attention it brings, the frustration inside of not knowing exactly how I feel and the craziness here of it happening out of the blue, seemingly. But, when you have stuffed things deep inside, all the way down to your toes for so many years, crying comes out sideways.  I feel a hurt that I don't even understand and feel an exhaustion that makes me feel like I'm in the early tipsy stages of drinking-when you just start to feel a little out of your head.  I literally sat down to lunch and started crying and couldn't stop.  Our Dietitian was sitting next to me and gently asked if I'd like to share anything. I did not, but I can't tell you the wonderful support that I got sitting with a table full of people letting me cry and assuring me they were available if I wanted to talk. I got no judgement, just a lot of understanding.  I did stop eventually but this happened several times today.

I talked to the therapist this afternoon.  A lot of stuff is coming up for me.A lot of anxiety is peeking out.   A lot of "AHA" moments, and I am realizing that while I have a lot of friends, I don't have a lot of deep connections with people who I can share my innermost feelings.  In fact, I don't feel like I am very good at that. I am trying to figure out why and I have people in my life I truly love, but maybe I haven't been able to be vulnerable because of that fear that someone will find out the true me. I'm still working through this but I know that I need to learn to connect better....to work on friendships and build relationships.

With that said, I ended my difficult day with a pedicure with two super supportive folks who helped encourage me through the day and then went to dinner with an old friend from high school.  I think it was a good start at connecting and learning to let people help me and support me.  Dang-this is way harder than I thought it would be....after all, I didn't even think anything was wrong with me!

Exhausted but owning it!

Day 8

I am exhausted!  I worked out twice as usual but added Wii Fit dancing- had my 10,000 steps by 4pm!  Went to Whole Foods today. I have never been there.  I loved the food AND learned about red light, yellow light, and green light foods.  Which are exactly what they sound like- have rarely, have sometimes, have often. 

Had a great lecture today on exercise and depression. People who exercise along with therapy and medicine do the best in outcomes studies. Exercise is really good for you!!  It's nice to learn the "why's" behind the "what's".  

Feeling more connected with people. Had a rousing game of scattergories  last night and laughed a lot!  Got invited to a few things with other folks here- which felt good---and mooned one of the other folks as well. I have trouble behaving!!!

I'm exhausted and going to bed, but I will not deny my story anymore and I guarantee you, my ending will be brave!!! Have courage ya'll and keep at it!

WARNING: RAW EMOTIONS

DAY 8:  I wrote a letter to one of my issues today and even though it was really tough I shared it in class. It is raw and emotional but true of how I feel.  Then we had self defense training and I got to punch the hell out of punching bags and kick as hard as I could. I don't feel as angry.  Lots of emotions are bubbling up that I have pushed down for a long time. It is really good, but it feels really bad at times.  I am learning and discovering and really am ready to be different in many ways. It is definitely a journey.

Dear Depression,

I want you to know that I am angry at you.  I feel like you took away a lot of years. You made me act irrational and angry and get so out of whack that I had to take medicine just to even out.  Then, I lost myself.  I know it wasn't only you, but I lost the bounce I had, the quest for a big life--I lost some of who I was in the medicine I have to take to keep me level-numb-at times without emotion because if I feel, I feel too long;  if I cry, I cry a lot; if I let the thoughts in, I can't let go.  I've  changed into someone that I don't  even know sometimes. I don't know how I feel.  I used to love hugs and affection and I still do, but I've become colder, harder, worn from life but also because I have to deal with you and the medicine.  I tried not to treat you . I'm so stable I tried to let the meds go, but you wouldn't let me. You made my mind crazy. You made me irrational and irritable and the crying was too much. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't think. I was panicking and the anxiety was overwhelming. I couldn't complete the responsibilities I had taken on under the reigns of medication. So I went back so that I could function-you let me down. I thought we were past that.

You are always gonna be there.  My mind won't ever be right without meds and I was so young when I started that I often wonder who I would have been without them. Would I struggle with my self image, my self worth?  Why do I always compare?  I have joy for others but wonder what I did that wasn't good enough to get the prize, award, recognition, honor-only to realize when I do get it I feel like a fraud because I don't deserve it.  I always feel like I'm gonna be found out-I'm not really as smart, not really as good a therapist, faking my relationships because I so desperately want to feel connected. And then I get rejected again and the numbness can't cover the pain and the feelings are raw but the same illness that causes the out of whack emotions also causes the numbness.

How will I ever defeat you? I cant.  You are a part of me that will never let go. I am angry at you-very, very angry.  Don't try to make me feel better because I want to be angry at you-at what you have taken from me-what I will never have because of you and angry that you now may have my children in your grasp. I didn't want them to have to feel your crushing effects but I can't save them. I hate you for that and I won't forgive you. I wish you would go away forever, but I know I will wake up tomorrow and take my twenty milligrams and numb out again because I can't live without that and I don't know any different.

Debbie