3 good things and poop and pee!

Day 7

I just had a massage-part of the program is massages every couple weeks. It was nice and much needed for my calves that were on the verge of exploding from pain!  Anyway-feeling quite relaxed and really was a good day.  What made it a good day you may ask?  Well a couple things:

1.  I have exercised twice a day for 6 days straight and lived to tell about it.  For me, that is a big deal. I don't think I have continually exercised that many days straight my whole life. And, for the record, the workouts are not easy.  They consist of rowing and doing laps on stairs and medicine ball slams and today I got to hit a big tire with a sledge hammer (one of my favorites so far!!)  I sweat like a pig and usually have to talk to myself and close my eyes to get through the last 5 reps of anything!!!

2.  The dietitian I am working with (who happens to be incredible BTW) pulled me out of class today to have one of our sessions and I was able to totally open up (and cry.....NOT comfortable).  Who would have thought that a dietitian would help me to cry and work out some issues?  We talked about some things surrounding eating that I have never put together and I said some things out loud that I have never said out loud....like-I do have binging behaviors, just probably never had the time to hone the craft---AND--I had some bad messages about eating growing up that I had never attached to my current eating patterns--AND--I have some really awful self image problems that I have never really dealt with before now.  I honestly can never remember not feeling fat-my whole life.  I'll have to show pictures of me as a kid. I was definitely very typical kid size but the messages I got from a horrible bully was that I was a big fatso and as a 6 year old kid-I believed it.  I have lived with that for way too long.  

3. In one of our groups today, I learned about what my definition of success is and how it can be so different from your families of origin. Contentment is what I personally long for in life. To appreciate who I am and where I am and what I am doing--- but I often feel that I am always in the quest for that and have never really found it.  I want to find that contentment, in myself and with my family and be OK everyday with where I am.

Definitely a journey.  Smiled and laughed a lot today. Oh- we also talked about poop and pee--I don't care how old you are, that always brings on lots of laughter!!!  So, I would challenge everyone who reads this to do some thinking about what success means to you and whether or not you are doing everything you can every day to make it there..............

Sadness and Soreness

Day 5 and Still Alive

Totally forgot to blog yesterday!  As you can see, from the pic of my fit bit on the left, I was focused on getting all my steps in.  Today is on the right, and does not count the half hour I was treading water and laps in the pool.  And yes, I am very tired today.  My calves (calfs?) hurt super bad and are very tight and the rest of me is just worn down.  I fatigued doing overhead presses today with 8# weights.  I did the reps but it was HARD.  And I feel down today.  I'm trying to process it because one thing you learn in a treatment place is to process your feelings. So in the next paragraph I am gonna try to break down what I'm feeling.

First of all, I get on the sad side when I am tired and when I am away from my family so that plays a part. Next, in group sessions here, we are talking about REAL issues-of which I didn't think I really had many. I mean, I have issues as we all do, but I really thought I had gotten through most of mine BUT  I have never dealt with food as an issue.  Today we touched on binge eating-which I of course thought I never did. However, as I learn more about it, I definitely have tendencies in that area and although not as severe as some folks, it has definitely hurt my overall health and wellness. 

I also realized that I still have some emotional things rolling around in my head.  We talked today about what was going on in our lives three years ago and how it affected us today.  Also about guilt and shame and messages we hear that have affected us.  Three years ago I was dealing with one of the most difficult situations I have ever faced. I was falsely accused of fraud by an employee and underwent a two month investigation which was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life. I also realized that I do feel inadequate sometimes and that there are still some self image problems I have that I have stuffed down deep inside.  I think I am really good at stuffing things down deep inside and not dealing with them...EVER.  I know major depression is a disease but I keep thinking that with medication and counseling I am better and in a lot of ways I am, but it is a disease. I will have to deal with it my whole life AND even with medication, I see things through a different lens.  I keep very busy with other people and things so I don't have to deal with my own things.  I don't take care of me-in a lot of ways, but I think I have really  learned to not deal with my feelings on a lot of things because it is to hard to feel them.  

Anyway- I am embracing the sadness, the realization that I am not as unbroken as I thought and that I can and will learn new strategies and am beginning an even bigger adventure.  The group has been really supportive of the tears, the sad, the soreness, and encouraging BUT as is always the case with me, I feel like an outsider.  My mind just is a weird puzzle.  

I'm writing early because I know that after dinner I will crash.....my mind and body are exhausted but my spirit is well.  Thanks for taking the time to read and I cant tell you how encouraging it is to see that folks are taking the time to view this and to journey with me.

I learned what AMRAP means---Do you??

Day 4-As many reps as possible (AMRAP)

I have officially made it to the fourth day.  See all that stuff on the board behind me?  I did that plus two reps of a strengthening program-almost two total hours before 10 am.  Yes-this is me, Debbie who normally sleeps til at least 9 on Saturday and then spends the next two hours drinking coffee!!!! I did it and I was able to still talk through it and I DID NOT DIE!  I was really hurting running up the stairs--(OK let me be totally honest-it was more of a saunter)---but I did a lot of self talk and made it. I was a sweaty stinky mess but so was everybody else and I was excited I was able to complete everything.  It felt like quite an accomplishment today.  Most everything I did I can keep doing and about half of it were things I can do at home without even going to a gym.  I did take ibuprofen when I got back and took a two hour nap-----BUT change is slow so this is only day 4..right???  And just by the way, I did not feel one bit guilty about my nap!

I talked to all my kiddos and hubby today and guess what-they are all doing fine without me there.  I knew they would but I used them as an excuse for a long time to not come here.  I think I use them as the main excuse to not take care of me. It is good to see them happy and well taken care of and that they can make it without me.  Not that they would want to and not that I would want to be without them but I think I can take a little more time for me and they will make it.  

Anyway-enough deep thoughts for tonight. I am gonna try to make it through a movie and then to bed!  I have exercise early in the AM!!!!

Crying IS NOT bad!!!! I know.

Cuddling with Beary!!  Day 3

Lucy gave me Beary to sleep with and I think I will tonight!  It is the first time I have been away from my husband on our anniversary so I feel like I need to snuggle with someone!  Today was a good day.

A little tough getting up early....well early for me. I have to be down for breakfast by 7am and on to exercise by 8am.  I got fitness tested today and the results back from my blood-work.  The fitness test went pretty well. I was able to do squats and row and move pretty well and will start doing full workouts tomorrow.  All my blood-work is all clear. I am in good shape and my woman's multivitamin apparently has been doing a good job of keeping all my numbers in check.  So I am perfectly healthy and no reason to have weight gain except me.  

I shared in group today for the first time.  It was hard.  I didn't say a lot but I felt like I needed to say something so that I could really be a part of the group instead of just a bystander. I cried a bit.  I don't like crying-it makes me feel weak and embarrassed but when I am highly stressed, angry or super nervous I do it.  I shared how I'm having some difficulty with the needing help part of the program. I'm used to taking care of people and fixing things and as people went around the room and shared, I felt like I knew some things that could help all of them.....but couldn't quite figure out where I fit into the getting help part.  At lunch we had to talk about our feelings before and after eating and that was tough for me. I'm not real in touch with the feeling part of myself.  They had a hundred faces of different feelings you could be feeling and I came up with  "good".  I'm not sure exactly how I feel about everything. I laughed a lot this morning during exercise which was fun and we had a good group that talked about how our posture (power postures in particular) can actually increase your testosterone and decrease your stress producing hormone and actually help you to be more confident. (Really interesting implications-especially for teachers-TED talk by Amy Cuddy if you want to look it up).   

One thing I do know is that I am physically sore after the afternoon workout--I learned how to use a medicine ball and a rowing machine!  I know that ibuprofen will be my best friend by tomorrow and I know that I can make change and I will make change.  That, I know for sure.

Being the patient is hard.

DAY 2

The organic farm!

I feel super tired tonight so this wont be a long entry.  I realized a big part of the "not fitting in" and "not belonging" was really that I am not used to being in the role of being helped. I am the clinician not the patient. It feels funny to sit in a group and not be the leader or facilitator.  It makes it a little hard and honestly, it is a little humbling.  I don't want to be the one with a problem. I want to feel like I have it all together-that I don't need help-and I can do it on my own.  Guess what-I have a problem and I need help and I can't do it on my own. I have been trying it that way my whole life.  I need help and I want help and I think I can get that help here.

I do wish that I could see people's heart's first thing when I saw them. If size and color and gender could all be invisible and you could just see someone's heart and what they were feeling and who they were.  All those things that define us that should not define us.  It gives us preconceived notions of people and I fall into that trap too. I like to be open minded and fair and genuine but sometimes my mind falls into the trap of assumptions and stereotypes.

I learned today that a larger percentage of  kids in disadvantaged areas are obese, often due to poor food choices based on location and finances.  The organic farm pictured above provides fresh vegetables to distressed areas but also helps to teach kids how to eat better and how to grow their own food.  It was a neat fieldtrip and I love plants so seeing how they grow them with no pesticides and with natural plants that repel or attract the right kinds of insects was super cool.

Long day- ready for bed.  More learning and workouts tomorrow. I think I'm ready.

Control, Kale and TMI...DAY 1 FitRx

Day1

So, I'm here.  My mom and sister in law brought me this morning and dropped me off right around 10 am.  I have to say my stomach was in my throat as I walked in the door.  I didn't sleep great last night thinking about this today and honestly I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of how much control was going to be taken away.  I know I can be a bit "in charge" but I never thought of myself as controlling until I saw the meal schedule and schedule of classes and groups.  Then I felt totally like I was about to be out of control of my day.  Not that it is a bad thing but it is just a bit overwhelming.

I met with the counselor, the nurse, the nurse practitioner, psychiatrist and the intake person.  A lot of the questions are exactly what one would expect but a lot more food related than I have ever thought about.  For instance, "What has been your life experience with food?"  I really had never thought about that.  My life experience with food-I pretty much eat it if it is there.  If it is chips and dip I eat a lot......sweets are OK but give me salty any day!  I went through my sleep habits, my thoughts on food, and how I think about food, tragic things that have happened in my life.  Talked a lot about my depression and how that affects my daily routine.  Cried a little talking about when my Dad died.  I felt especially vulnerable today. I haven't felt like that in a long time.  Telling someone your whole life history who you barely know is hard even for ME who has a TMI problem!

All the staff was great and very warm.  I went to two groups today with the other clients/patients/people here and they were pleasant.  I wouldn't say warm or friendly but pleasant. I didn't really connect with anyone which worries me a bit as I typically connect pretty quickly.  In a way I felt a little out of place-as most folks have been here at least a week already. And, some of the folks you could tell had a lot going on issues wise and there was some hangry going on and some complaining. I mean I get it-life change is hard-I may be there soon.  I have a tendency to be very cynical as most of you know who have read my blog for any period of time.  Also no one really introduced me so I just was kind of sitting there sometimes and maybe they were wondering about me.....anyway----it is just day 1!  I will make it through!

One of the groups was about choices we make in life and one was a cooking group.  The first one felt odd as I did not really know the people I was in group with BUT we did not have to talk much and I got called out to see the NP right before it was my turn to speak---that was a close one! At the second group, I tried toasted Kale with Ranch seasoning and it was actually pretty dang good.  I tried a spinach, chia seed, banana, agave smoothie and it was NOT GOOD.  The lunch and dinner were good and healthy and I had plenty and there are two snacks so no starvation going on here thank goodness!  My mom was afraid there would only be celery!

I didn't work out today. This is scary to say outloud but I was a bit disappointed as I really wanted to get in there and get moving BUT--I got an EKG and blood work done so clearly my safety is important.  That was a relief!  I do hope to get moving more tomorrow which it sounds like I will as I meet with the fitness trainer.  We also go to an organic farm and go out to eat for lunch tomorrow as they try to teach us how to eat out in a more healthy way.

So I have books to read and sleep to get before the early morning breakfast (which I hear is egg whites and plain greek yogurt :(.  Anyway-tired and heading to bed as I need a good sleep for day 2.

I'm leaving!

I'm leaving. Yep-it's time to start the next chapter of my life.  I'm going to do it. Sometimes you have to do something that scares you a little to make a BIG life change.

On June 10 I will be entering FitRX for 2 weeks. I have been given the awesome opportunity by a good friend, Michael Cartwright, CEO of FitRX.  He encouraged me to come for as long as I could and asked me to blog about it daily. When I asked him what it was like, he said, "think of it as biggest loser on steroids!" (Fitrxbrentwood.com). I was initially super excited. I still am...just the closer it actually gets, my social anxiety begins to creep in.

Let me go through my list of "what if's"-

-what if I don't like anyone there

-or worse what if no one likes me

-what if I don't fit in

-what if I can't physically do what they ask me to do

-what if I miss my family too much

-what if I get emotional a lot and cry

-what if I'm hungry

-what if I don't change......

And the list could go on.  I know in my head this stuff is silly but it's hard to get that through to my heart sometimes. It feels like going to the first day of junior high.  

I also feel guilt....for leaving my children and husband, for not going to see family with my time off, for taking off work, for doing something just for me when so many other people need things.  

So there- it's out! I've spent this whole week mulling over all those things in my head and talking them out with friends and family and I think I'm moving back to excited. I really have never done anything just for me for that long in my whole life. It's a great time to start....a little worried about what the voices in my mind will be telling me without all the distractions but I think I'm ready to listen, and to change.