Being the patient is hard.

DAY 2

The organic farm!

I feel super tired tonight so this wont be a long entry.  I realized a big part of the "not fitting in" and "not belonging" was really that I am not used to being in the role of being helped. I am the clinician not the patient. It feels funny to sit in a group and not be the leader or facilitator.  It makes it a little hard and honestly, it is a little humbling.  I don't want to be the one with a problem. I want to feel like I have it all together-that I don't need help-and I can do it on my own.  Guess what-I have a problem and I need help and I can't do it on my own. I have been trying it that way my whole life.  I need help and I want help and I think I can get that help here.

I do wish that I could see people's heart's first thing when I saw them. If size and color and gender could all be invisible and you could just see someone's heart and what they were feeling and who they were.  All those things that define us that should not define us.  It gives us preconceived notions of people and I fall into that trap too. I like to be open minded and fair and genuine but sometimes my mind falls into the trap of assumptions and stereotypes.

I learned today that a larger percentage of  kids in disadvantaged areas are obese, often due to poor food choices based on location and finances.  The organic farm pictured above provides fresh vegetables to distressed areas but also helps to teach kids how to eat better and how to grow their own food.  It was a neat fieldtrip and I love plants so seeing how they grow them with no pesticides and with natural plants that repel or attract the right kinds of insects was super cool.

Long day- ready for bed.  More learning and workouts tomorrow. I think I'm ready.

Control, Kale and TMI...DAY 1 FitRx

Day1

So, I'm here.  My mom and sister in law brought me this morning and dropped me off right around 10 am.  I have to say my stomach was in my throat as I walked in the door.  I didn't sleep great last night thinking about this today and honestly I was a bit overwhelmed at the thought of how much control was going to be taken away.  I know I can be a bit "in charge" but I never thought of myself as controlling until I saw the meal schedule and schedule of classes and groups.  Then I felt totally like I was about to be out of control of my day.  Not that it is a bad thing but it is just a bit overwhelming.

I met with the counselor, the nurse, the nurse practitioner, psychiatrist and the intake person.  A lot of the questions are exactly what one would expect but a lot more food related than I have ever thought about.  For instance, "What has been your life experience with food?"  I really had never thought about that.  My life experience with food-I pretty much eat it if it is there.  If it is chips and dip I eat a lot......sweets are OK but give me salty any day!  I went through my sleep habits, my thoughts on food, and how I think about food, tragic things that have happened in my life.  Talked a lot about my depression and how that affects my daily routine.  Cried a little talking about when my Dad died.  I felt especially vulnerable today. I haven't felt like that in a long time.  Telling someone your whole life history who you barely know is hard even for ME who has a TMI problem!

All the staff was great and very warm.  I went to two groups today with the other clients/patients/people here and they were pleasant.  I wouldn't say warm or friendly but pleasant. I didn't really connect with anyone which worries me a bit as I typically connect pretty quickly.  In a way I felt a little out of place-as most folks have been here at least a week already. And, some of the folks you could tell had a lot going on issues wise and there was some hangry going on and some complaining. I mean I get it-life change is hard-I may be there soon.  I have a tendency to be very cynical as most of you know who have read my blog for any period of time.  Also no one really introduced me so I just was kind of sitting there sometimes and maybe they were wondering about me.....anyway----it is just day 1!  I will make it through!

One of the groups was about choices we make in life and one was a cooking group.  The first one felt odd as I did not really know the people I was in group with BUT we did not have to talk much and I got called out to see the NP right before it was my turn to speak---that was a close one! At the second group, I tried toasted Kale with Ranch seasoning and it was actually pretty dang good.  I tried a spinach, chia seed, banana, agave smoothie and it was NOT GOOD.  The lunch and dinner were good and healthy and I had plenty and there are two snacks so no starvation going on here thank goodness!  My mom was afraid there would only be celery!

I didn't work out today. This is scary to say outloud but I was a bit disappointed as I really wanted to get in there and get moving BUT--I got an EKG and blood work done so clearly my safety is important.  That was a relief!  I do hope to get moving more tomorrow which it sounds like I will as I meet with the fitness trainer.  We also go to an organic farm and go out to eat for lunch tomorrow as they try to teach us how to eat out in a more healthy way.

So I have books to read and sleep to get before the early morning breakfast (which I hear is egg whites and plain greek yogurt :(.  Anyway-tired and heading to bed as I need a good sleep for day 2.

I'm leaving!

I'm leaving. Yep-it's time to start the next chapter of my life.  I'm going to do it. Sometimes you have to do something that scares you a little to make a BIG life change.

On June 10 I will be entering FitRX for 2 weeks. I have been given the awesome opportunity by a good friend, Michael Cartwright, CEO of FitRX.  He encouraged me to come for as long as I could and asked me to blog about it daily. When I asked him what it was like, he said, "think of it as biggest loser on steroids!" (Fitrxbrentwood.com). I was initially super excited. I still am...just the closer it actually gets, my social anxiety begins to creep in.

Let me go through my list of "what if's"-

-what if I don't like anyone there

-or worse what if no one likes me

-what if I don't fit in

-what if I can't physically do what they ask me to do

-what if I miss my family too much

-what if I get emotional a lot and cry

-what if I'm hungry

-what if I don't change......

And the list could go on.  I know in my head this stuff is silly but it's hard to get that through to my heart sometimes. It feels like going to the first day of junior high.  

I also feel guilt....for leaving my children and husband, for not going to see family with my time off, for taking off work, for doing something just for me when so many other people need things.  

So there- it's out! I've spent this whole week mulling over all those things in my head and talking them out with friends and family and I think I'm moving back to excited. I really have never done anything just for me for that long in my whole life. It's a great time to start....a little worried about what the voices in my mind will be telling me without all the distractions but I think I'm ready to listen, and to change.

Life change can be hard!!

So, it's been awhile. This "life change thing" can get hard--especially when life hits.  It's not the days when the schedule is going as planned, you have the right ingredients, and all the appointments work out together and you're on time. It's the other 99% that makes it tough- the days your car breaks down, you have to get to an MD appt right after school, the school bus is late, you only have white bread and pretzels and an orange in the pantry....I can't be the only one!!!!! So- learning to keep up the exercise is hard. I got a bike and have been riding with the kids at least once a week---walking more--but regular gym time has been sorely lacking. I'm not so upset about that, as I am moving in the right direction, but it is only a symptom of a bigger problem. The "not taking care of me" problem.   When my eyebrows start to look shaggy, my gray hairs are showing, my hair is too long and my legs go unshaved.  When I start to let myself take a back seat to all the things that HAVE to get done.  I took a step today--abs and core at 430 on M and W---my time---I'm gonna do it. I am gonna keep changing!!!

Blessed and stressed and need balance.......you?

My little mohawk wearing dude!

I read a meme the other day that said "Just blessed enough to be stressed." That is how I feel.  Life really is good, BUT, the little things can be so stressful. My son has been my stress for the month. He is a great kid-9 years old-sensitive, cool, ahead of his time in so many ways-my little old man!  He started struggling in math about 8 weeks ago and it has been like a quick downward spiral.  He doesn't understand the curriculum, but his teacher told him he "wasn't following directions and not paying attention." It was amazing how quickly that assessment led to my boy feeling like a failure. And, interestingly enough-8 weeks later after educational assessments, tutoring, calls to teachers, principals, superintendents, opting out of testing, everyone came together and basically said, "He is a cool kid, obedient, people pleasing, direction following, who is struggling in math and that is making him frustrated in all areas of life, especially school."  I'M HIS MOM.  I KNEW THAT ON DAY ONE. His teacher and principal wanted to push it off on behavior instead of just plain old "not getting it." The poor kid was having to sit out in recess for not doing an optional math home program when he was doing extra math every night in addition to two hours of tutoring weekly.  Talk about mixed messages.  I cannot imagine what parents with kids who have actual special needs go through.  I was so stressed a couple of nights I just went to bed with the kids. I had nothing left to give---nothing-not for my other kids, not for my husband, not for me.  I kept telling myself this is small, he is going to be OK, no worries but my head wouldn't let me believe that, and as my son cried every day going to school it was hard to believe.  There is something about my kids that my mind won't and can't let go. But the thing I need my heart to remember is that I do better when I take care of me.

That brings me to me.  I get all caught up in feelings and it is like the whole world is on hold for me. Exercise-out the window; food-just do what you need to get by; time for me to keep me healthy-cant do it; have to keep everyone else healthy.  Is it just me or does everyone else get put last in the order of needs?  I have to change this thinking. I have to take care of me. I am so much better when me gets taken care of, but I cant seem to get  back to me until everyone else is good.  What odd alien is this in me that focuses so much on others at my expense?    Don't get me wrong-dong for others is good, but not taking care of me is bad.....I need balance and having trouble finding it this week.  Still at 19 pounds and holding.....

Didn't want to get on the scale! Eek!

I didn't want to get on the scale. I don't weigh too often but I felt that I hadn't done a great job of making good choices this week. I didn't go crazy or anything but I didn't plan as well and more than once I ate whatever I could get my hands on when I came in the house. This included home made sugar cookies, leftover steak, grilled corn on the cob, leftover roast and potatoes etc etc etc.   and when I was hungry I ate but I felt like I ate more than I needed. I did eat more than I needed.  The good part is, I'm moving more, even when I ate a lot I ate less for the next meal, and I drank lots of water....so the scale did not see an increase! Down a solid 19 pounds now. I'm being more mindful this week and trying to get in extra exercise!  And I got on the scale because I figured either way, I had to know and make adjustments!!!! Keep moving forward....no matter what!

Brutally honest. Must read. Really long. Worth it.

So, I'm on a short weekend trip with my mom so I have a lot of kid free time to write.  (Something I rarely have- this the limited posts!!). I'm figuring out the time thing.  Slowly- making appts for my gym time, riding bikes WITH the kiddos, exercising with my daughter and just INCREASING. movement. I'm down about 17 lbs now and regularly exercising one to two times a week. Not t exactly where I want to be BUT farther than I could be.

So to the brutal honesty. I have a confession to make. I have been a very bitchy wife.  I have a husband of 22 years. I met him when he was 19 and I was 17. We were pregnant about a week after I met him. He was my first.  And-he said and did some crappy things. Things typical of a 19 year old. We moved in together and we fought a lot. We married when our precious girl was 15 months old. When he asked me to marry him it wasn't the romantic way I had hoped.  Our wedding was small  and the music not quite right and our honeymoon was short and we had differing expectations and were flat broke when we got home. The next years brought conflict and resolution, death and new life, moves and college and growth. Jeff grew into a responsible man and I grew but have been holding onto the past for far too long.  

I have reminded him so many times of what the crappy 19 year old said, of how his unromantic proposal hurt, of how I don't know if I would have chosen him and not sure he would have chose me had circumstances been different. I've complained about so much for so long.

Then one day last month during a disagreement he said, " You have spent so long telling me I'm a bad husband and father. I get it." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I done that, said that? I thought I encouraged him, supported him, helped him, loved him. It took me a full 24 hours of crying and thinking and being pissed and then sad before I was ready to talk. 

He agreed I was encouraging when things went well but during arguments I typically brought up he past and reminded him of his failings. See, all this time I felt like I was the one who missed out on things...like college and trips and young single life and I think I have blamed him for that in some way.  I have gotten sad when I see other couples who did it different or the "right" way. I fantasize about what our life would have been like. I know that sounds crazy but the craziest part is that I HAVE the most unbelievable husband.  

At 17 he held me when I found out I was pregnant ( we had been together  about a month). He told me he would adopt the baby if I wanted to give up the baby because he didn't want his child "running around not knowing her daddy."  He paid all the bills and moved in with me when I was so sick during pregnancy. He helped to wash me and combed my hair when I was so sick I couldn't move. He loved my big pregnant body and acted like he was attracted to me (he says he was- still questionable). He STAYED when he easily could have left. He helped me through postpartum depression and major depression when me and our baby wouldn't stop crying.  He couldn't wait to ask me to marry him because he wanted to be with me forever- so he asked me while I was folding laundry before Valentine's Day.  He learned to do dishes and clean house and wash clothes and became a father even though he almost passed out in the delivery room. He has always been loyal and faithful and provided for our family. He supported my schooling and became Mr. Mom. He supported my 60+ hour a week job and the complaining that came with it. He welcomed the idea of having more children and stayed home with them for 3 years and encouraged my move into a career. Then he went back to work so I could be home more with our kiddos.  This is an incredible man. He loves me, he loves our children and he lives "us".  We are far from a fairy tale. But the thing is, fairy tales aren't true.

Life is hard.  Relationships are messy.  It's not how he asks you to marry him or whether or not he acted like an ass ( I omitted all my asinine actions).  It is what he does every day- the things like running a bath when the day has been crazy, buying our daughter macaroons because they are her favorite, laughing at our kiddos burping at the table, dinner together every night.  That is the true fairy tale life. I have it. I just didn't realize it.

I apologized last week for being a Bitch about our life. I promised I wouldn't do it anymore. I told him I love him and I would choose him again even under different circumstances.  He is the only one who really really really knows me. I don't know what I would do without him.