I'm leaving!

I'm leaving. Yep-it's time to start the next chapter of my life.  I'm going to do it. Sometimes you have to do something that scares you a little to make a BIG life change.

On June 10 I will be entering FitRX for 2 weeks. I have been given the awesome opportunity by a good friend, Michael Cartwright, CEO of FitRX.  He encouraged me to come for as long as I could and asked me to blog about it daily. When I asked him what it was like, he said, "think of it as biggest loser on steroids!" (Fitrxbrentwood.com). I was initially super excited. I still am...just the closer it actually gets, my social anxiety begins to creep in.

Let me go through my list of "what if's"-

-what if I don't like anyone there

-or worse what if no one likes me

-what if I don't fit in

-what if I can't physically do what they ask me to do

-what if I miss my family too much

-what if I get emotional a lot and cry

-what if I'm hungry

-what if I don't change......

And the list could go on.  I know in my head this stuff is silly but it's hard to get that through to my heart sometimes. It feels like going to the first day of junior high.  

I also feel guilt....for leaving my children and husband, for not going to see family with my time off, for taking off work, for doing something just for me when so many other people need things.  

So there- it's out! I've spent this whole week mulling over all those things in my head and talking them out with friends and family and I think I'm moving back to excited. I really have never done anything just for me for that long in my whole life. It's a great time to start....a little worried about what the voices in my mind will be telling me without all the distractions but I think I'm ready to listen, and to change.

Life change can be hard!!

So, it's been awhile. This "life change thing" can get hard--especially when life hits.  It's not the days when the schedule is going as planned, you have the right ingredients, and all the appointments work out together and you're on time. It's the other 99% that makes it tough- the days your car breaks down, you have to get to an MD appt right after school, the school bus is late, you only have white bread and pretzels and an orange in the pantry....I can't be the only one!!!!! So- learning to keep up the exercise is hard. I got a bike and have been riding with the kids at least once a week---walking more--but regular gym time has been sorely lacking. I'm not so upset about that, as I am moving in the right direction, but it is only a symptom of a bigger problem. The "not taking care of me" problem.   When my eyebrows start to look shaggy, my gray hairs are showing, my hair is too long and my legs go unshaved.  When I start to let myself take a back seat to all the things that HAVE to get done.  I took a step today--abs and core at 430 on M and W---my time---I'm gonna do it. I am gonna keep changing!!!

Blessed and stressed and need balance.......you?

My little mohawk wearing dude!

I read a meme the other day that said "Just blessed enough to be stressed." That is how I feel.  Life really is good, BUT, the little things can be so stressful. My son has been my stress for the month. He is a great kid-9 years old-sensitive, cool, ahead of his time in so many ways-my little old man!  He started struggling in math about 8 weeks ago and it has been like a quick downward spiral.  He doesn't understand the curriculum, but his teacher told him he "wasn't following directions and not paying attention." It was amazing how quickly that assessment led to my boy feeling like a failure. And, interestingly enough-8 weeks later after educational assessments, tutoring, calls to teachers, principals, superintendents, opting out of testing, everyone came together and basically said, "He is a cool kid, obedient, people pleasing, direction following, who is struggling in math and that is making him frustrated in all areas of life, especially school."  I'M HIS MOM.  I KNEW THAT ON DAY ONE. His teacher and principal wanted to push it off on behavior instead of just plain old "not getting it." The poor kid was having to sit out in recess for not doing an optional math home program when he was doing extra math every night in addition to two hours of tutoring weekly.  Talk about mixed messages.  I cannot imagine what parents with kids who have actual special needs go through.  I was so stressed a couple of nights I just went to bed with the kids. I had nothing left to give---nothing-not for my other kids, not for my husband, not for me.  I kept telling myself this is small, he is going to be OK, no worries but my head wouldn't let me believe that, and as my son cried every day going to school it was hard to believe.  There is something about my kids that my mind won't and can't let go. But the thing I need my heart to remember is that I do better when I take care of me.

That brings me to me.  I get all caught up in feelings and it is like the whole world is on hold for me. Exercise-out the window; food-just do what you need to get by; time for me to keep me healthy-cant do it; have to keep everyone else healthy.  Is it just me or does everyone else get put last in the order of needs?  I have to change this thinking. I have to take care of me. I am so much better when me gets taken care of, but I cant seem to get  back to me until everyone else is good.  What odd alien is this in me that focuses so much on others at my expense?    Don't get me wrong-dong for others is good, but not taking care of me is bad.....I need balance and having trouble finding it this week.  Still at 19 pounds and holding.....

Didn't want to get on the scale! Eek!

I didn't want to get on the scale. I don't weigh too often but I felt that I hadn't done a great job of making good choices this week. I didn't go crazy or anything but I didn't plan as well and more than once I ate whatever I could get my hands on when I came in the house. This included home made sugar cookies, leftover steak, grilled corn on the cob, leftover roast and potatoes etc etc etc.   and when I was hungry I ate but I felt like I ate more than I needed. I did eat more than I needed.  The good part is, I'm moving more, even when I ate a lot I ate less for the next meal, and I drank lots of water....so the scale did not see an increase! Down a solid 19 pounds now. I'm being more mindful this week and trying to get in extra exercise!  And I got on the scale because I figured either way, I had to know and make adjustments!!!! Keep moving forward....no matter what!

Brutally honest. Must read. Really long. Worth it.

So, I'm on a short weekend trip with my mom so I have a lot of kid free time to write.  (Something I rarely have- this the limited posts!!). I'm figuring out the time thing.  Slowly- making appts for my gym time, riding bikes WITH the kiddos, exercising with my daughter and just INCREASING. movement. I'm down about 17 lbs now and regularly exercising one to two times a week. Not t exactly where I want to be BUT farther than I could be.

So to the brutal honesty. I have a confession to make. I have been a very bitchy wife.  I have a husband of 22 years. I met him when he was 19 and I was 17. We were pregnant about a week after I met him. He was my first.  And-he said and did some crappy things. Things typical of a 19 year old. We moved in together and we fought a lot. We married when our precious girl was 15 months old. When he asked me to marry him it wasn't the romantic way I had hoped.  Our wedding was small  and the music not quite right and our honeymoon was short and we had differing expectations and were flat broke when we got home. The next years brought conflict and resolution, death and new life, moves and college and growth. Jeff grew into a responsible man and I grew but have been holding onto the past for far too long.  

I have reminded him so many times of what the crappy 19 year old said, of how his unromantic proposal hurt, of how I don't know if I would have chosen him and not sure he would have chose me had circumstances been different. I've complained about so much for so long.

Then one day last month during a disagreement he said, " You have spent so long telling me I'm a bad husband and father. I get it." It hit me like a ton of bricks. Had I done that, said that? I thought I encouraged him, supported him, helped him, loved him. It took me a full 24 hours of crying and thinking and being pissed and then sad before I was ready to talk. 

He agreed I was encouraging when things went well but during arguments I typically brought up he past and reminded him of his failings. See, all this time I felt like I was the one who missed out on things...like college and trips and young single life and I think I have blamed him for that in some way.  I have gotten sad when I see other couples who did it different or the "right" way. I fantasize about what our life would have been like. I know that sounds crazy but the craziest part is that I HAVE the most unbelievable husband.  

At 17 he held me when I found out I was pregnant ( we had been together  about a month). He told me he would adopt the baby if I wanted to give up the baby because he didn't want his child "running around not knowing her daddy."  He paid all the bills and moved in with me when I was so sick during pregnancy. He helped to wash me and combed my hair when I was so sick I couldn't move. He loved my big pregnant body and acted like he was attracted to me (he says he was- still questionable). He STAYED when he easily could have left. He helped me through postpartum depression and major depression when me and our baby wouldn't stop crying.  He couldn't wait to ask me to marry him because he wanted to be with me forever- so he asked me while I was folding laundry before Valentine's Day.  He learned to do dishes and clean house and wash clothes and became a father even though he almost passed out in the delivery room. He has always been loyal and faithful and provided for our family. He supported my schooling and became Mr. Mom. He supported my 60+ hour a week job and the complaining that came with it. He welcomed the idea of having more children and stayed home with them for 3 years and encouraged my move into a career. Then he went back to work so I could be home more with our kiddos.  This is an incredible man. He loves me, he loves our children and he lives "us".  We are far from a fairy tale. But the thing is, fairy tales aren't true.

Life is hard.  Relationships are messy.  It's not how he asks you to marry him or whether or not he acted like an ass ( I omitted all my asinine actions).  It is what he does every day- the things like running a bath when the day has been crazy, buying our daughter macaroons because they are her favorite, laughing at our kiddos burping at the table, dinner together every night.  That is the true fairy tale life. I have it. I just didn't realize it.

I apologized last week for being a Bitch about our life. I promised I wouldn't do it anymore. I told him I love him and I would choose him again even under different circumstances.  He is the only one who really really really knows me. I don't know what I would do without him.

Grouchy and out of time

So it's been awhile. This past week has been so full.  I swear I didn't have time for anything. I was working in the day, then picked up kids, homework and activities, dinner, bedtime, and pass out tired.  I didn't exercise because I did not have time during the week. Weekend was a different story......I had time but chose to do other things. Tried to get back on the wagon tonight- got to the gym ready to swim and forgot there was a class going on that was only half done and I didn't even bring tennis shoes to do anything else!  Ahhhhhhh I am having a week!!

I have to keep moving forward even when I am falling back a bit. I have lost 17 pounds. I'm making better choices at least 80% of the time. I am moving more but I am having trouble working the exercise into my life....any suggestions out there?  Just so you know the facts....I have 3 kids..6,8 and 22 and all are at home. I get the kids ready in am and get them to school, then go straight to work, then pick up after school. Then homework, snack, after school activities on mon, tues, wed, Friday and sometimes Thursday. Dinner by 730 when hubby gets home. Bedtime at 830. I'm tired writing it! Don't suggest early mornings. Me and mornings prior to 7am don't get along!!!!! Other mo snake this work....how???? What am I missing????

Help. Me.

Depression and Spinning....in no particular order.

Depression.  I have it. I deal with it.  I hate it some days. Some days I think it makes me think deeper and have more empathy for others. Most days though, I hate it.  I take medication. I have for over 20 years.  Most days I'm ok with that. Most days I get through and feel pretty normal emotionally.  But last week was hard for me.  Sometimes life just hits you. And, when you have depression like me, it can be something seemingly insignificant that throws you into a tailspin. It was my son being made fun of and struggling at school. It makes me feel helpless, puts me back in a mind frame of where I was at that age and struggles I had, makes me mad and makes me sad. I feel like I'm in a dark spot and my soul hurts and I just can't shake it off.  I've learned the cognitive tricks, I know it will go away, but for those few days of emptiness inside, of irritation and agitation and racing thoughts and sleepless nights, I struggle.  I didn't exercise but once last week.  The mind and body work together and last week I felt like they were against me.  But, I didn't give in and I am still journeying.  But, depression sucks and it sucked the life out of me just enough to make me not write and not enjoy life.......and this week I'm baaaaack.

Spinning. I tried it.  I almost died. I hate it.  Who thought that spinning was a good idea???  Hey let's stick your feet in stirrups (that you cant get out of) and then make a tiny little seat (that makes it feel like its going up your who-ha) and then blare loud music (with racy lyrics nonetheless) and scream at the bicyclists to go faster and push harder (this lady made boot camp seem fun).  Hey-that sounds like a great idea......let's call it spinning.  I bet the instructors get paid extra for anyone who can't walk after the class. I am quite certain my who-ha will not be sitting for some time.  My legs are still vibrating and I seriously think it could take some time for the who-ha to recover.  But, I made it the whole hour and at least I didn't stop. That is what it is all about anyway. It's not whether or not something is hard, it is continuing even when it IS hard and even when it hurts; in life and in spinning.